A Transformed Heart

Johno and I stepped foot after a 27 hour journey into the beautiful country of Cambodia. After exploring Siem Reap for a few days, we maneuvered our way to Battambang, the great little city that will hold our hearts for the next 9 months. In the midst of jet lag, 3rd world adjustments, and a transition coming to a close, It was hard to really grasp what has happened. I followed my dream, and it is in the midst of coming true...so now what?

Enjoying the moment. Fresh fruit smoothies at 3pm. Geckos in my room. Enormous amounts of bug spray. Brain working in two languages. Mosquito net in the way of cuddles. New faces, new friends. God speaking, God speaking, God moving, I am changing. Worship in my room alone. Cambodian's teaching the bible. A nation transformed for Christ. My heart is refreshed. My life is now.

For the next 9 months, I have committed myself to an inductive bible study course, that I assume very much will alter the way I see my life, the world, and of God. I have taken responsibility in acknowledge  I cannot lead people to God, answer the hard questions, and truly be the example I need to be if I do not have a grasp of the Bible. There are too many Christians that are religious, too many that say one thing and act by another, too many that do not know who they serve, why they believe what they believe. Experience will only take you as far as your emotions will, it is truth that will sustain you when life 's curve balls come. 

Often times in our western mind set, even in "missions" , we've been taught, What can I bring here that will better the country, these people? Now, don't mistake me, in a country with Christianity at less than 2% of the entire population, the gospel is desperately needed. However, for the last two weeks, I have learned more from this country than I have taught myself. The Cambodian Christians, they are people of such devotion, passion, leadership, and genuine love. They have taken the responsibility for there own Nation, fellow Cambodians discipling each other and bringing transformation from a life encountered with Christ everyday. 

 I have been confronted with Christianity of America more and more every day. We are in desperate need of a true transformation of our own hearts. I am in desperate need of this transformation.The main reason I am here isn't to try to change every person I come into contact with for the gospel, although not wrong. My heart here is that I need to be transformed through Gods word, I need to truly in and out know the God I serve, why I am doing it, what I believe, and how I am going to apply that to my life in the future.

10% of Christians world wide have read the entire bible. Let alone that, who understands that thing anyways? For a long time, I haven't. But I am excited to fully know and understand the bible in a way that will transform my heart, my life, and my future calling wherever God leads me.

It is an injustice to say I love and serve God the way I do, and not spend a portion of my life intentionally pursuing knowing him more through the blessing of his word that he has given us. 9 months, what will come of it? 

I am committed to this country, to the people of Cambodia. I am so blessed to take a portion of my life and give it back to God, worshipping him by learning, and truly getting in touch with my roots, my country that has been on my heart for so long. Will I stay forever? Who knows, God does...But it isn't  my responsibility right now.  I just know at this point God has called me here to be trained, equipped, and sent out into the Nations, whether it be my very own right, I don't know. All I know is that I cannot teach, what I do not know.

I encourage you, if you profess and say this is the God you believe, the God you are serving, the God you are loving and worshipping. What do you truly know about him besides what you have experienced with him? It is important, yes that you experience him. But we owe it to those who have never experienced him, to be able to tell them about him, and have what we tell them be true. 

Making Life Happen

Tomorrow, I embark on a 9 month journey I never thought would come, I'm leaving for my beloved country of Cambodia. A country and people that are so dear to my heart, and this dream I've put on the shelf  for some time is coming to life.

Not more than exactly 3 years ago, September 16th or so I, 20 years old on a one way ticket decided to adventure to New York for my DTS, something I had no idea about. No one I had known really had ever done YWAM, I knew not more than a single soul in New York, and I left. To this day, it was one of the best choices I've ever made.

My years in New York were extremely challenging, filled with growing, learning, changing, grieving, and celebrating. I changed more than I ever thought I could,  had my ever last boyfriend and first and only husband, and really began to learn what it means to lay your life down for Christ and what he calls us to do.

3 years later, I embark on a similar journey. Again into the unknown, the unfamiliar although somewhat. This time not alone, but with my best friend. Yet, I still feel God whispering the same things in my ear. " do you trust me?", "Are you ready?", " what are you willing to give up, and how far are you willing to go? "

And because in these last 3 years every decision with him was ultimately the best one, again with our plane tickets... with no idea what I'm getting into, I'm going. 

I'm constantly challenged by the fact that no matter what seasons we are in life, there always changing. People in your life are always coming and going, and in a sense.. It never really ends. This has been my favorite thing about my traveling extravaganzas, I've been able to share my heart with the most beautiful, gracious, loving individuals around the world that be friend me, and it's in those friendships I've found home.

I'm often approached, do you ever wish you were doing something else? No, not really. That's the thing, I'm doing what I've always wanted to do. Some may call it irresponsible, illogical in this economy, or whatever they may think. But I'm blessed to serve a God that delights in my dreams and desires and then gives me the grace to follow them, to make them happen.

Life happens, that's just the way it is. Whether you make it happen or not, it still happens. Might as well make happen what you want to happen, and take joy in knowing The Lord is right there by your side. 

The Ongoing Gospel

In light of yesterday as I processed what it really mean this Fall that my dreams were coming true in our endeavor to Cambodia, I began to think of the heart link that has drawn me to this beautiful country for so long, that heart link being my family.

I am a first generation niece, cousin, daughter, grand daughter here in our own Nation, my family escaped hell on earth in the tragedy that was the Khmer Rouge in the 1970's where nearly half of Cambodia's population was slaughtered, unfortunately by there own people. I am often questioned with such a rare situation, why exactly I would go back. And I can't help but think, Why wouldn't I go back? God had a plan bringing my family here, and I believe I owe it to those that are there to go back. In a predominately buddhist country I want to give back the greatest gift I have been given, the gift of the Gospel.

I tend to try to stay away from preachy blogs, although I live my life serving Jesus, I often become a bit shy about preachy things because Christianity in America has been so misconstrued. I am a believer in people reading the way I live my life, not just my facebook posts or blogs. But I cannot water down, sugar coat, or run around the soul reason and purpose why I do the things I do, and why I am who I am. Because God saved a wretched sinner like me. A sinner who was more consumed with herself, material things, living life selfishly and worthlessly, getting by to make something of myself when I didn't even realize I was made for something greater, my maker.

Right now, our family is going through an extremely trying time. My uncle has been diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer after a tumor had been found only a week ago. It's in times like these that the most cliche preachy things are always said....

"God knows what he is doing", "There is a reason for it all", "God will heal him".

I believe those things, to a certain extent. But sometimes, God does not reveal reasons in our time, or why he does things. And yes my friends, Christian or not...God does not always heal us. That is the reality that is our fallen world, and that is the God we serve. He CAN heal all things, but there are times when he doesn't, and when those times come....I am sad, yet joyful because the Gospel is ongoing. The Gospel that saves us all promises that we have eternal life with Christ, and that our hope and our faith is in him.

I can't help but think of Hebrews 12:2

"Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for  the joy that was set before him
endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

I think in the midst our shame, pain, turmoil and tragedy. Jesus suffered more than I can even fathom, not for that moment but for the joy that was set before him. The Gospel, that Jesus came, and died so that we may live tells me that despite any circumstance that I may face, that my Joy is set before me in the life to come after my earthly purpose is fulfilled. This also tells me that in the midst of my deepest, darkest moments, that He had a deeper and darker moment. That the living God I serve not only knows how I am feeling and cares, but that he himself has endured even worse, for me.

For me. For you. For my uncle. For Cambodia. For America. For the World.

In the midst of my fear, pain, and worry today for my family. I am reminded of the gracious providence in my life that God enabled me to choose him, that he would call me his own and call me to him. That yes I have the hope of healing, yes I have the hope of redemption and grace. But ultimately, my hope is in Him Jesus, who because of what he did for me, I live for him. Despite what life circumstances may bring us, it is in death that the joy is set before us, the day that we are reunited with Christ.

I ask that you pray for my families healing YES. But I ask more that we would know the fullness of Christ in trying times. That we would not overlook our Sunday services, our morning devotions, and we would not act like an answering machine of life just say the right things at the right time. Pray that in the midst of  the good times and bad times, that we are desiring Gods perfect plan and will for our lives no matter how they make us feel. Emotions are fleeting, and Gods truth is forever. Pray for us, and for yourselves that we would never lose sight of the ongoing Gospel in our lives. That despite it all, because he came to save us, we are saved.


1 Timothy 1:12-16

12 I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service,13 though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, 14 and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. 16 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life.

When God Says Go

It has been an incredibly long time since I've felt the urge to write, and like many things in life when i comes...I just need to go for it. The title of this blog is what I feel so heavy in my life right now, when so many people don't understand why we do what we do, but how we respond when God says Go.

God has told us to go, and we are answering. Although unconventional, it has been my dream to go to Cambodia for as long as I can remember. In college, I was gripped with the reality of sex -trafficking and modern day slavery in young girls, it was my dream to live in a tree, feed all the orphans, and leave this American dream behind.

Now that the time is finally here, it looks a bit different than I previously imagined. I never imagined going to Cambodia married, but it fits nice....and I never imagined going to learn about the bible...IN CAMBODIA. But Gods ways are mysterious, and his ways so much better than my ways. I will more than likely still do what I dreamed to do way back when, it will just look a little bit different than before.


I have been constantly ridiculed by the ideas of all that I'll leave behind, all the comforts of the first world. The things as Americans we take for granted. Ridiculed often by the ideas of finishing school, the job I had always dreamed of, not the white picket fence but definitely the sky rise apartment.

If I have learned anything in the last 3 years of adventuring with my life and serving Jesus, it has been that he has never let me down, always provided for me, and his ideas are so much better than my ideas. I am challenged in this Christian life to not only say that I am Christian and do all the Christian things that I am "supposed" to do, but to do the things that so many of us don't want to do. Leave whats uncomfortable to pursue whats we HOPE to be is worth it, looking back at the last 3 years, it has been worth it.

I am challenged though, anxious at times, worried about worldly things Money, what people will think of me, how much I will miss my family. And the words keep ringing in my ear, When God says Go.

I write this today to vent a bit, process, but to also ask you..What is God asking you to do, Where is he asking you to go? It will more than likely look a lot different than where he is taking me, but are you willing to go? Despite the sacrifices, the trading of worldly things for heavenly things?

Stability Versus Sacrifice

It's been two and a half years since I put myself on a plane with a one way ticket to New York. I had no idea what would be been born with a sense of adventure and a willingness to go, but I quickly found out. Adventure is for everyone really, but mainly those that are willing. I am often asked the question, How do you get to go so many places? How do you get to do so many things? I often ask myself the same thing, but I've come to the conclusion that I've just traded one for another. While one might have security in financial means and material things, I've found it in experiences that lead me around the world, often into the arms of some of the most amazing people I've met in this lifetime. I am challenged often with the life I gave up, for the life I live now. Often comparing the two, and what if's are no stranger to my mind.

It's rather bittersweet, the ending to my New York chapter. The chapter that has begun to tell a story of some of the most monumental moments in my life. Where I truly began to know the living God I serve, where I left the past behind and finally found myself deep down somewhere afraid to come out. New York led me to my best friend, who then became my husband, who thankfully will join me in each endeavor to come. With one door so quickly closing. I find myself beginning to peak through all of the newly opening doors, windows, even curtains. Pondering, how did I get here, Where am I going, and Where exactly will I end up?

Who knows. I don't know a lot of things, but I've learned a hell of a lot and could definitely afford to learn some more. The most important thing I've learned in the last year is how to trust God and what it really means to give him control of your life. Not only giving him control, but trusting that wherever he takes you is a better place you could go yourself. That means different things for each and every one of us. Whether it be to go back to job you don't want, find yourself back in school, or on a jet plane not knowing whats on the other side. You see life leaps are disguised in many different costumes, and we all need to learn to play dress up once in a while.

But it scares us, because we find ourselves unstable. Most of life is spent trying to make ourselves stable when we really think about it. Success is actually measured on how stable we seem to be. Stability that's found in the workplaces, instability in the lack there of. Not to mention the degree that hangs in the wall to show how qualified you are to be there, how many zeros are in your account, or even more so you have by your side. Stability is our greatest idol, biggest set back, and adventures greatest enemy.

Risk has been no stranger to me in the last 2 years. It has been my best friend and worst enemy, depending on what circumstance I am in. However The bigger leaps we take in life, leave more room for God to catch us when we fall, or better yet how far we get when he lets us go. And really, who cares about me. It all comes down to what God is doing in my life through the risks I am taking to live for him.

The next upcoming months and year will consists of my greatest risks to date. Johno and I will continue our no salary living trusting that in our obedience to Gods endeavors on our lives that he will provide, he has shown himself so faithful thus far. Not even with the needs, but the wants as well. We will leave New York with a bittersweet farewell, say hello to the beautiful West Coast but only for a season before we embark on a dream of mine from the get go, moving to Cambodia. Our commitment there is to do a School of Biblical Studies for 9 months. It has not been an easy decision to make, the hardest yet actually. But I am trusting in the greatest reward for the biggest sacrifice.

I'm insane really, I hate hot weather, mosquitoes are my worst nightmare, there's not a Starbucks anywhere near, and let's not even mention the length and cost of flights that separate me from who I love and treasure most.. My family and friends.

But I can't ignore the fact that ever since I gave god the stability in my life, and traded it for this adventure with him he's never failed me, and not only has he never failed me... But he's met every need. Not just the physically important ones like money, food, and shelter.But that feeling deep in your soul that you know you're doing what you exactly what you were created to do. That hazy moment when all the world stops around you, you take a deep breath...and the feeling of peace is overwhelming. You were created for that moment.

I really have no idea where God will take us from this point, and I've never been so confronted with living one day at a time. It's exhilarating almost, minus the days where I could cry I'm so anxious. But it's in these moments that I take a step back and really look at the big picture. I have no idea what god is doing in the grand scheme of things. And how amazing that I get to be apart of it, not because I'm anything special, but simply because I'm willing.

I've changed a lot since then, and in each chapter I'll change even more, but what I can't change is the willingness to move forward, even when it's uncomfortable, even when it's hard. Life doesn't stop for anyone, and what an injustice to miss out on experiences in the selfishness of my own stability, my own security. I hope in my own weakness I never lose sight of taking the risks gods ask me to take, and when I do I pray he reminds me. This jumble of information is a self reminder, I pray for you reading it as well. What is God asking you to trade in your stability for his destiny for your life? Don't get in his way.