Wednesday, December 5, 2012
This Appointment With Life
Speaking of having an appointment with life, I've needed an appointment with this blog for way to long. It is pretty embarrassing how long it has been...Since the last time I wrote, I have been married, to two different countries, almost finished the lecture phase of DTS...not to mention came to know an incredible 18 students, and fallen in love with all of them as I get ready to embark on my next journey to C. Another trip around the world that will hopefully bring not only myself closer to God, but others around me as well.
I could flashback, talk a lot of gorgeous details about how incredible it is to be married...because it is. Or randomly ramble about all the things I have learned, because there has been a lot. Even word vomit some really trendy facts that might challenge you to do something greater with your own life about whats happening around us. All of which I really enjoy to do. But today, I am in the mood to think bigger picture, to take a sit down. To shut off facebook, stop organizing my calendar, put gmail on hold for longer than 10 minutes. I wanted to really sit, dust my keyboard off, and reflect on this appointment with life I have, what I have done with it, and what I need to change.
In the midst of chaos, confusion, tears, joyus laughter, dancing, and mourning. I feel like it is so easy to sink back, and want to press that pause button on life. The pause button being in need for many different reasons. Life going too fast, regretting something that we wish we could have done differently, or even a moment of reflection as God slows us down and reminds us to embrace the beauty that is our lives, and the appointment we have with it...Not to mention the importance of not missing it.
Its easier to stay in bed. It is more convenience to stare at your instagram than to have a conversation. Its easier to lock yourself in your office and get work done. Its easier to pass relationship on to the next person. A lot of things in life are easier, but they are also boring, selfish, and most definitely not as rewarding, life giving, and precious. I have found that the moments I love the most, are when I am spending time loving other people. A genuine, pure, love that comes not from what can this person give to me, but what can I do for them. A love that overflows out of our love relationship with sweet Jesus. Not the religion that has been defiled, stigmatized, and honestly really annoying. But the Religion that is pure, intimate, and real.
I have been guilty of this though. Sometimes, there is so much changing that not only do I want to press the pause button, but sometimes even the rewind. Is it more terrifying that we are moving at 100mph in life, sometimes not knowing where exactly God is going to take us. Yes, it is. Life as a missionary most of the time is very uncomfortable in numerous ways. How comical is it that society has told us that being Christian means you "have it all together", "don't do anything wrong", and "have no fun". OK, had to throw the have no fun thing in there because its the most ridiculous. How often do I hear, "Berta, how do you get to travel to all the places you do?...Where do you get the money for that". That is a good question. I have no idea why God would choose a girl like me, to do amazing things for him. I go where he tells me to go, and where he sends me! He provides for me, and today in America that concept is very foreign. That's okay, this appointment with life I have is pretty foreign as well. Sometimes I even wonder how crazy I am for doing what I am doing, but its just too much fun to stop, not to mention.. God is just too good.
The life I have chosen to live is not any different than the life you have chosen to live, because it has been your choice. I lately have questioned a lot of choices I have made, wondering if they have been the right thing, and if so....why have they been so hard? lets blast that rumour now, life doesn't get easier as a Christian, it gets worth it but by no means easier. My life has been hard, and not for obvious reasons as people in 3rd world nations can tell me. Like men who I have met in Thailand working to send there kids to school in Cambodia, only to not see them for 5 years because that's how long it will take to send them to school. 300 USD for the next two years of his daughter to school would send him back home to be with his family, but instead...he works 16 hour days to ensure his daughters education. I am almost humiliated to write that my life is hard.
My life is easy in comparison. So I don't get to buy all nice things, all the time... So I see friends that have a lot more to show than I do right now, in regards to a white picket fence American dream. But you know, I was never satisfied with that anyways. Hate that about myself, I feel like I am never satisfied really no matter where I am. Thats another really trendy thing I have been learning...I feel like no matter where I am in life , I am always going to wonder if I were somewhere else. I don't know if the grass is always greener on the other side, I just know I will always be curious.
My eyes need to be readjusted, my focus should not be on myself, and my life, but instead on God and what he is done with my life. My focus should not be on how much money I need for something, but instead how I need God for everything . My focus shouldn't be on what people aren't doing for me, but instead on what I can be doing for them. It has been a journey of reflection in my own heart in understanding my appointment in life, isn't even mine. No matter what kind of mess I make with it.
So in the seasons of change, of chaos, frustration, confusion, sadness, appreciation, joy, and all in between...I am reminded of Gods infinite plan on my life that I may never really understand. It isn't my job to understand what he is doing all the time, how things look. How finite is my mind that I could ever understand the grand scheme of things.
Living a rich life fully embracing where you are when you are there, is the showing up for the appointment that is yours, and yours alone. So no matter how many times I want to cancel where I am, reschedule where I should have been, and even go again sometimes. I am humbled by Gods incredible perfect plan for my life, and grateful for those gems he has brought along the way to share it with me.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
once upon a sweet time
It has been an incredibly long time since I have posted on here, makes me sad because I value sharing my heart with others. Wedding madness must have taken over, but now I am back and ready to be in the full swing of what is now "normalcy" of my new life. I cannot begin to describe the different emotions that have engulfed me these last few months, nor can I describe the incredible gratitude and joy it is to have the man of my life by my side, I know now everyday for the rest of my life.
I don't want this to be a sappy saga, nor do I want or need to explain extravagant details of a love story that is my own. Not to look a certain way to others, not even for myself really. My greatest desire is for my love story to be a sweet representation of the God I serve, the ultimate lover, friend, groom and everything in between. my maker.
I have been so incredibly blessed these last few months, seeing so many friends and family come along side me in full support. How humbling when you have everyone in your entire life that has been there, for one day with prayers, finances, time and everything else come and watch such a monumental moment in my life. I am constantly reminded, even weeks after. What a gift it is to have family and friends in your life that love and support you. Especially those from all around the country, all around the world.
And even more so, I am humbled and completely taken back by the man I gave myself away to that day. John. I want nothing more than for every single person I love, to get to experience the ultimate joy and fullness it is to know Christ, and to know real, unconditional, never-ending love. I must have been asked the question a million times. " Are you sure? " How do you know"..."Is it true ? "They say you just know".... Do you know?
I cannot explain it more than to say YES. You really just do know. 2 weeks after I met Johno, I knew he would be the man that I would marry. Clearly shocking since for all my life before, I never really did want to get married. I never knew real love, I never believe it could really exist. I thought that everyone else was good enough for a love story that lasted, but not I. I had been down that road before, and I wanted to leave it as less traveled as possible. In my life there was just too much tragedy, too many times where I was wrong, and not enough men that could prove otherwise. I had given up.
I am his bride, before I was ever Johnos bride, I will always be the bride to my Lord and Savior before anything else. I could never truly except the real love, nor trust it from another person until I fully became able to accept the full love of Christ. I truly believe it was not until I could accept the full love of Christ, that God let Johno come into my life to teach me and show me the physical representation of the way it should between a bride and a groom.
In the way Christ loved the church, husbands love there wives.
(Ephesians 5:22-23, quoted)
Because I am married , I have not yet arrived. I have not yet done everything I have wanted to do in life, nor have I found all that I was looking for as most would imagine. It is only in the sincere deep revelation of Christs love and relationship with me, that I fully will "succeed" in life. But I am always learning. I am always loving. I am sometimes leaving, and God is always coming after me.
What a gift to marry the man of God I truly believe from before the beginning of time, was ultimately created for me. What a gift it is to serve a God who is ravished by me, so much that he would create, mend, mold, and send me a man that loves me in the way God intends him too. A man that is by no means perfect, but surely forgiven. And a man that is on this journey with me.
I don't want this to be a sappy saga, nor do I want or need to explain extravagant details of a love story that is my own. Not to look a certain way to others, not even for myself really. My greatest desire is for my love story to be a sweet representation of the God I serve, the ultimate lover, friend, groom and everything in between. my maker.
I have been so incredibly blessed these last few months, seeing so many friends and family come along side me in full support. How humbling when you have everyone in your entire life that has been there, for one day with prayers, finances, time and everything else come and watch such a monumental moment in my life. I am constantly reminded, even weeks after. What a gift it is to have family and friends in your life that love and support you. Especially those from all around the country, all around the world. And even more so, I am humbled and completely taken back by the man I gave myself away to that day. John. I want nothing more than for every single person I love, to get to experience the ultimate joy and fullness it is to know Christ, and to know real, unconditional, never-ending love. I must have been asked the question a million times. " Are you sure? " How do you know"..."Is it true ? "They say you just know".... Do you know?
I cannot explain it more than to say YES. You really just do know. 2 weeks after I met Johno, I knew he would be the man that I would marry. Clearly shocking since for all my life before, I never really did want to get married. I never knew real love, I never believe it could really exist. I thought that everyone else was good enough for a love story that lasted, but not I. I had been down that road before, and I wanted to leave it as less traveled as possible. In my life there was just too much tragedy, too many times where I was wrong, and not enough men that could prove otherwise. I had given up.
Our God never gives up on us, what a simple statement yet with vast meaning I do not feel we take serious enough in this life. Because there was so much competition in the midst of my past mistakes and heartbreaks, a wall was too high for anyone to really climb. I had given the Love thing a try or two, but change took its chances and death stole my dreams, and I was left with nothing..............and EVERYTHING.
A Savior who was in constant pursuit of his bride.
I am his bride, before I was ever Johnos bride, I will always be the bride to my Lord and Savior before anything else. I could never truly except the real love, nor trust it from another person until I fully became able to accept the full love of Christ. I truly believe it was not until I could accept the full love of Christ, that God let Johno come into my life to teach me and show me the physical representation of the way it should between a bride and a groom.
In the way Christ loved the church, husbands love there wives.
(Ephesians 5:22-23, quoted)
Because I am married , I have not yet arrived. I have not yet done everything I have wanted to do in life, nor have I found all that I was looking for as most would imagine. It is only in the sincere deep revelation of Christs love and relationship with me, that I fully will "succeed" in life. But I am always learning. I am always loving. I am sometimes leaving, and God is always coming after me.What a gift to marry the man of God I truly believe from before the beginning of time, was ultimately created for me. What a gift it is to serve a God who is ravished by me, so much that he would create, mend, mold, and send me a man that loves me in the way God intends him too. A man that is by no means perfect, but surely forgiven. And a man that is on this journey with me.
| And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy.I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD. Hosea 2:19-20 |
Monday, May 14, 2012
Wedding Wonders
I was never the little girl who danced in a circle dreaming of her wedding. I wanted my prince, but I didn't quite understand what would happen when I actually met him. After Johno proposed, I couldn't even imagine what it would be to plan a wedding, I had never thought that far...and now the flowers, colors, cake, and everything single thing in between I swear I could get lost in. Even that, I continually think to myself, I live a life of trusting God for everything, never did I think it would mean an actual wedding...
I know it'll be worth it all, I know that this decision although it will change my entire life, will be the best choice I could ever make. See I am not only in love with my future husband, but I am more in love with my maker.
It has not been an easy season of trusting God. Not only am I trusting him for the day to day things, rent, food, and all that comes with serving in ministry. But I am now trusting him for everything that comes from giving my life away, from marrying my future husband. The flowers, the venue, everything becomes an opportunity for God to show me how he himself is a faithful father that takes care of his children.
It all started last August, way before Johno and I were even engaged. I had gone home to meet his family for the first time in the country side, and I could have sworn my nerves would eat me alive. I ended up really enjoying myself, and getting to know that wonderful family and lifestyle that gave me the man of God I love. While we were there, the craziest thing happened.
In a long story short, I was gifted with a beautiful custom made never worn wedding dress from London, and it fit me absolutely perfectly! I remember thinking, God you have a lot in store, and a lot to live up too come this wedding. It all began with a gift from my precious father. I remember thinking, "well God I guess he is the one"...and ever since then with this wedding he has been working things out in my favor, and I am overwhelmed and consumed by his grace and faithfulness to me in this delicate season of trusting.
It is not easy to not worry, in fact I have been in the midst of struggle. Struggle to really believe that this God I serve could work out the little things, that he does care about my utmost most inner desires, and that money isn't an option. I often envied the thought of simply being able to buy whatever I wanted, or pay whoever I wanted. God continually reminds me, it is not what I get in the end but the journey that brings me there.
This last Saturday he reminded me once again, a faithful father takes care of his children. I had been struggling with wonder of where my funds would come from, especially the things that were of high importance to me, especially the photography. After talking to my mom, paying a photographer was going to take a huge chunk out of our budget but I truly felt from God who I wanted to photograph my wedding, and that the money would come even if I didn't have it. Another lesson in, sometimes its not always what decision you make, but that I just need to make one. So I made the choice, and I felt Gods peace on it and was so happy that it was someone who's family was so special to me, especially after all there love and support in my journey in missions.
A phone call Saturday left me shocked, and even more in awe of Gods unfailing love and his ability to provide even what we would think impossible, simply because he loves us. My photography was fully paid for in full! I was so filled with this gratefulness that has reminded me so much in these last couple of years that problems with money and need are so surface when in comparison to how our God takes care of us.
Slowly but surely, I am seeing things come together for this wedding and me & Johnos life together. Of course, there are still things that we need, an apartment, a honeymoon, and all in between when it comes to the wedding. But surely, God is not only helping me along this journey by providing things, but he is showing me along the way who he really is, and how he has blessed me with people that love me enough to want to support me. I have never been so humbled by Gods love, and the love that he imparts to those so generous and willing to help.
Psalm 89:1
1 I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations.
I know it'll be worth it all, I know that this decision although it will change my entire life, will be the best choice I could ever make. See I am not only in love with my future husband, but I am more in love with my maker.
It has not been an easy season of trusting God. Not only am I trusting him for the day to day things, rent, food, and all that comes with serving in ministry. But I am now trusting him for everything that comes from giving my life away, from marrying my future husband. The flowers, the venue, everything becomes an opportunity for God to show me how he himself is a faithful father that takes care of his children.
It all started last August, way before Johno and I were even engaged. I had gone home to meet his family for the first time in the country side, and I could have sworn my nerves would eat me alive. I ended up really enjoying myself, and getting to know that wonderful family and lifestyle that gave me the man of God I love. While we were there, the craziest thing happened.
In a long story short, I was gifted with a beautiful custom made never worn wedding dress from London, and it fit me absolutely perfectly! I remember thinking, God you have a lot in store, and a lot to live up too come this wedding. It all began with a gift from my precious father. I remember thinking, "well God I guess he is the one"...and ever since then with this wedding he has been working things out in my favor, and I am overwhelmed and consumed by his grace and faithfulness to me in this delicate season of trusting.
It is not easy to not worry, in fact I have been in the midst of struggle. Struggle to really believe that this God I serve could work out the little things, that he does care about my utmost most inner desires, and that money isn't an option. I often envied the thought of simply being able to buy whatever I wanted, or pay whoever I wanted. God continually reminds me, it is not what I get in the end but the journey that brings me there.
This last Saturday he reminded me once again, a faithful father takes care of his children. I had been struggling with wonder of where my funds would come from, especially the things that were of high importance to me, especially the photography. After talking to my mom, paying a photographer was going to take a huge chunk out of our budget but I truly felt from God who I wanted to photograph my wedding, and that the money would come even if I didn't have it. Another lesson in, sometimes its not always what decision you make, but that I just need to make one. So I made the choice, and I felt Gods peace on it and was so happy that it was someone who's family was so special to me, especially after all there love and support in my journey in missions.
A phone call Saturday left me shocked, and even more in awe of Gods unfailing love and his ability to provide even what we would think impossible, simply because he loves us. My photography was fully paid for in full! I was so filled with this gratefulness that has reminded me so much in these last couple of years that problems with money and need are so surface when in comparison to how our God takes care of us.
Slowly but surely, I am seeing things come together for this wedding and me & Johnos life together. Of course, there are still things that we need, an apartment, a honeymoon, and all in between when it comes to the wedding. But surely, God is not only helping me along this journey by providing things, but he is showing me along the way who he really is, and how he has blessed me with people that love me enough to want to support me. I have never been so humbled by Gods love, and the love that he imparts to those so generous and willing to help.
Psalm 89:1
1 I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations.
Monday, April 9, 2012
A Quick April Update!
Hi family and friends,I wanted to take the time to write a short update on all that is happening in my life. I have been so blessed by everyone that is always encouraging and so interested in what is happening.
DTS OVER :
As
many of you know, the Discipleship Training School is now over. All of
our 29 students that I have spent the last 6 months leading and training
are now back home. It was an incredible experience, and definitely was a
growing one. My favorite time would have had to be when I helped lead
them on outreach in Cambodia & Thailand. There is something about a
cross cultural experience with the Lord that can really change your
heart and perspective of the world.Summer Plans :
Right now, I have a full schedule ahead of me regarding ministry and of course, my personal life. This year, I have been asked to lead our Summer Teams Outreach Program entirely. It is a very big job, and I know that God is challenging me in my areas of leadership. Last year, I assisted in leadership as 9 short-term teams came and served with us in New York City. We are praying for a smooth time this Summer as it is a very busy time for us here at YWAM Metro New York.
At the end of April, My dear Johns brother will be getting married and we will be taking a trip to Washington. While we are there, we will attend the wedding but our main focus for the time will be fundraising for all of our upcoming events. We are trusting God as we raise money for a down payment deposit for an apartment, a car, our wedding, and our honeymoon. We have seen miracles so far, and we know God is going to continue to be faithful. Please pray for us on this trip as it is very important that we raise money for these special things, and also our monthly support as our income need is going to triple.
Wedding :
The most exciting of it all! Johno and I will be getting married in Livermore, California on August 11th. The Wedding plans are in full motion, and it has been very overwhelming....but exciting at the same time. We are believing God for a beautiful Ceremony and Reception. We will have people attending from all over the world, and of course all my family and friends from back home. It is going to be a very sweet season for us. Please be praying for us as we trust God not only for the little things but the big things as well! Our wedding and honeymoon registry will be up soon for those that want to help us start this journey in our life together as a newly married couple.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Trusting in What You Know To Be The Truth
Moving from a beautiful California, leaving all my friends & family behind, in pursuit of Gods call on my life, yes unconventional. But it has been the most incredible ride in understanding more of Who God is in my life and what it means to be fully dependent on him. I have a lot to look forward too, I will be marrying my best friend in less than 5 months. I am trusting God for the finances for every bit of it, we haven't been saving, we knew stepping into it, God is going to have to provide everything. So far, he has. I am trusting God for my new home with my husband, I do not know where we will live, or how we will triple our income in the next few months on top of a wedding, but I know God will stand faithful, he always has. Then, we will go on our honeymoon, a vacation and celebration of our love that we both need and deserve, do we have the money for it? No, we don't. But I know my father in heaven desires to give his children good gifts, and I am trusting him for it. I feel like, from the outside, I look like I am an irresponsible, lovesick, Jesus crazy individual. In reality, I am just ready for this next season of my life in bringing my relationship with the Lord to a deeper level. He has provided since day 1 of my choice to move to New York, from when I applied to YWAM, got in, and everything from Mexico to Cambodia to Thailand. With first class plane tickets, island debriefs, and all that wonderful gifts that God gives as we step out in a life of being with him, and letting him into our most vulnerable areas of trust. I am not saying that it is easy, I struggle at times, wondering if I will have everything I need, I tend to get frustrated as God doesn't always do things in "my" time. But I have never been without a home, without good food, and even more than that I always have more than enough.
My journey isn't going to be easy, it is actually going to be really hard. I will make hard decisions, I will do things in a way that not everyone understands. I will challenge peoples beliefs, what they, what I have been grounded in of the way to do things since I was very young. But this life of mine, as soon as I fully gave it to Christ has been the best experience of all. I am in full security of Gods unfailing love for me, and his unfailing love for people in this world. I am not a missionary because I want to see people "saved", I want to come against the wave of religion and politics. I love people, and I believe I love people the way that I do because I have a glimpse of how God loves me. I have a heart for the broken people, the people enslaved, not because I am a good person but because I have been given the gift of compassion by God. I am not a woman of courage and boldness because that is just me, but no, because God created me to be a certain way, and I want to walk out in those qualities in the way he has called me to.
I am not writing so that all may see how great of a life I am living, although it is great. I challenge you, as you watch my life change so drastically, can you ask yourself...What is happening? What is God doing? God is doing his perfect work not only in my life, but in the peoples lives around me because I am blessed to call them apart of my life. I want to give God the glory. I am redeemed from a life I once had, I am free from that empty void that filled my life for so long. I am honored to serve God fully. No matter if I have the money, if I have the apartment, even if I have the wedding. Hey, I have the riches of his glory, a home in heaven, and a Lord who is my groom before my earthly husband will ever be. I want that not only for my life, but for yours as well. I invite you into this season of trusting God for great things in my life, I know it won't be easy, but it'll be worth it. As it always is.
Psalm 31:14-15
“But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD; I say, “You are my God.”
My times are in Your hand;”
Friday, March 2, 2012
Cambodia How You Have Changed My Heart
We officially landed back in the United States yesterday around 10 am, Jet lag has a whole new meaning to me now...But it isn't just jet lag that I have experienced. I have come home from Asia with an entirely new perspective on the world, and how I live my life daily here in America where I am so blessed.
Leaving the Western World and going to Asia was probably one of the most impacting choices I have yet to make in my life, going to Cambodia & seeing where my family had come from gave me an entirely new understanding to my family and what they have been through. Not only that, but the Cambodian people welcomed our team with open arms and hearts and showed me that even people that have nothing, can give more love than people here where abundance flows. Abundance might not flow materially for those in Cambodia, but a love from the heart is something that does not lack. It amazes me that a Nation with such a devastating history, a history that we all want to shut our ears to because it is easier to be uninformed than educated of the evil....With such a history yet they are one of the most loving cultures I have yet to experience, and it was my own. I am so grateful that I got to go back to where I came from, and really take that experience back to where I am today here in America.
Our team spent our days having serving the YWAM Base community in Battambang, We had many Prayer Times, taught English in remote villages, worked with Jeevits house, an orphanage dedicated to working with children and families that have been stricken with AIDS. It was an honor to be apart of what God is doing in the Nation of Cambodia. I see the Lords hand in redeeming a Nation back to his heart & I cannot wait for the day that I go back to Cambodia and see even more what God is doing. I was so blessed by the Cambodian YWAM staff dedicated to restoring a Nation back to Christ. Out of the 60 staff at the base, 45 of them are Cambodian. What a picture of a YWAM base coming into a community in pursuit of transforming a broken Nation, and restoring it back to fullness.
It has taught me so much of how to be really be thankful for all that God has blessed me with. The people of Cambodia are living below the Poverty line of $ .45 cents a day. I had never been more convicted of my materialism and dis content with living. I have struggled in my transition of becoming a missionary with the financial circumstance with not being able to spend money the way that I used too, and after being in Cambodia I have learned and been shown such dark areas in my heart of being un appreciative of what I do have in always thinking that I want/need more.
The truth is that I do not need more. Society and American culture has shaped my ways of thinking, and I have had a really deep realization of how temporal and meaningless the need for material security and excess. I am thankful for my brothers & sisters in Cambodia. They have shown me that how even though they do not have much, they have a love and joy in there heart from God that I do not even posses in the midst of my lack of perspective. Although finances are a still a struggle living and working in ministry, I will forever be grateful that since I have food on the table, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, I am more fortunate than most of the world.
Not only am I more fortunate, but I am able to give and serve in the areas of need that I would not normally go to, or want to. Because of the gifts that I have been given, it is in the outflow of my joy and graditude that I would want to live a life that would be able to give to others. Because God has blessed me, I want to bless others. This is how I should want to live my life, this is how I should regardless of what I don't have, I must think of those that have less than I, but are still living out the Gospel...So why aren't I living out the Gospel?
I met so many amazing young kids, kids that just wanted to learn so that they would have a better chance in life, a chance that almost every American has, but some of these kids might never have. It was a privilege to be apart of this dream for every child. Before I left, I spoke on how amazing of a plan that God has for every single of there lives, and I know it true from the bottom of my heart. I am so thankful that not only I was able to impact theie lives, but for them to be able to be impacted by them. I think I've been changed by them, more than they have been changed by me. The issue of poverty is no longer a statistic to me, but the face of a little girl. It is by Gods grace that I can give, not just financially..but a gift of love.
Leaving the Western World and going to Asia was probably one of the most impacting choices I have yet to make in my life, going to Cambodia & seeing where my family had come from gave me an entirely new understanding to my family and what they have been through. Not only that, but the Cambodian people welcomed our team with open arms and hearts and showed me that even people that have nothing, can give more love than people here where abundance flows. Abundance might not flow materially for those in Cambodia, but a love from the heart is something that does not lack. It amazes me that a Nation with such a devastating history, a history that we all want to shut our ears to because it is easier to be uninformed than educated of the evil....With such a history yet they are one of the most loving cultures I have yet to experience, and it was my own. I am so grateful that I got to go back to where I came from, and really take that experience back to where I am today here in America.
It has taught me so much of how to be really be thankful for all that God has blessed me with. The people of Cambodia are living below the Poverty line of $ .45 cents a day. I had never been more convicted of my materialism and dis content with living. I have struggled in my transition of becoming a missionary with the financial circumstance with not being able to spend money the way that I used too, and after being in Cambodia I have learned and been shown such dark areas in my heart of being un appreciative of what I do have in always thinking that I want/need more.
The truth is that I do not need more. Society and American culture has shaped my ways of thinking, and I have had a really deep realization of how temporal and meaningless the need for material security and excess. I am thankful for my brothers & sisters in Cambodia. They have shown me that how even though they do not have much, they have a love and joy in there heart from God that I do not even posses in the midst of my lack of perspective. Although finances are a still a struggle living and working in ministry, I will forever be grateful that since I have food on the table, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, I am more fortunate than most of the world.
Not only am I more fortunate, but I am able to give and serve in the areas of need that I would not normally go to, or want to. Because of the gifts that I have been given, it is in the outflow of my joy and graditude that I would want to live a life that would be able to give to others. Because God has blessed me, I want to bless others. This is how I should want to live my life, this is how I should regardless of what I don't have, I must think of those that have less than I, but are still living out the Gospel...So why aren't I living out the Gospel?I met so many amazing young kids, kids that just wanted to learn so that they would have a better chance in life, a chance that almost every American has, but some of these kids might never have. It was a privilege to be apart of this dream for every child. Before I left, I spoke on how amazing of a plan that God has for every single of there lives, and I know it true from the bottom of my heart. I am so thankful that not only I was able to impact theie lives, but for them to be able to be impacted by them. I think I've been changed by them, more than they have been changed by me. The issue of poverty is no longer a statistic to me, but the face of a little girl. It is by Gods grace that I can give, not just financially..but a gift of love.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
A taste of Gods heart in Thailand
Thailand has taught me many things in the week that I have been here. Things that I never thought I would learn, see, do, or feel. I can safely say that this expereince is not something that you can learn sitting in a classroom, bible study, or a church service. It has been a journey to dark places that Gods light is meant to be shown, a place where we do not find ourselves today radically pursuing Gods people in the darkest places.
I have been asking God, if this is who you were with when you were here on earth, why have I not been spending most of my days with the prostitutes, the poor, the broken. Sunday morning church isn't going to shine in these places, it is the people that get sent from them.
Our team of 13 amazing young ladies have radically abandoned the typical day in the life, to pursue Gods heart on the hundreds of girls that are being exploited daily. I am so proud of each and every one of them as they have embraced the difficulty that is opening our eyes to the evil that is in this world, and searching how God can be in the midst of all of this and what he is doing in it.
Friday night we had our main outreach in one of the main Red Light Districts of Thailand, Soi 4. I always tell my students, this is the stuff that sounds cool in the newsletters, the stuff we want to put on our blog...But we do not add that after 3 hours of working in these areas we are all sent home in tears, distraught and tenderized as God begins to reveal his heart for the Women that are being sold every for the night for less than 20 US dollars.
Not evena mile radius, there are over 300 bars where women are being trafficked, exploited, and sold every night. I met a girl beautiful as can be, who was no older than 15 explaining that it was her first night. After talking with her for no more than 5 minutes, her mama san ( older bar lady mananger ) snatched her right away from me as I was distracting her from her customers.
Please pray for us as we will continue to work in this area for the next week. Pray Gods protection over us, and that we would be able to at least impact the girls that we meet even if for a short time, we are determined to show them love and safety if just for a few moments in these bars and restaurants.
A place where the church is not, we want to be.
I have been asking God, if this is who you were with when you were here on earth, why have I not been spending most of my days with the prostitutes, the poor, the broken. Sunday morning church isn't going to shine in these places, it is the people that get sent from them.
Our team of 13 amazing young ladies have radically abandoned the typical day in the life, to pursue Gods heart on the hundreds of girls that are being exploited daily. I am so proud of each and every one of them as they have embraced the difficulty that is opening our eyes to the evil that is in this world, and searching how God can be in the midst of all of this and what he is doing in it.
Friday night we had our main outreach in one of the main Red Light Districts of Thailand, Soi 4. I always tell my students, this is the stuff that sounds cool in the newsletters, the stuff we want to put on our blog...But we do not add that after 3 hours of working in these areas we are all sent home in tears, distraught and tenderized as God begins to reveal his heart for the Women that are being sold every for the night for less than 20 US dollars.
Not evena mile radius, there are over 300 bars where women are being trafficked, exploited, and sold every night. I met a girl beautiful as can be, who was no older than 15 explaining that it was her first night. After talking with her for no more than 5 minutes, her mama san ( older bar lady mananger ) snatched her right away from me as I was distracting her from her customers.
Please pray for us as we will continue to work in this area for the next week. Pray Gods protection over us, and that we would be able to at least impact the girls that we meet even if for a short time, we are determined to show them love and safety if just for a few moments in these bars and restaurants.
A place where the church is not, we want to be.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
A Step Into Destiny
I have made it a goal for me as much as I can to share my experiences as time allows. Right now, I am at a local internet cafe 10 minutes away from where we are staying in Battambang. After spending 3 days in the city of Phnom Penh, our team of 12 took a van 6 hours away to one of Cambodias little big cities Battambang. It is much smaller than the city, and has many villages in and around the area. As soon as we began to drive, and I saw the rice fields, and all the huts & businesses on the side of the road with mangoes and coconuts...It became reality. I am in Asia, and more than that, I am home. To me it is like discovering a whole new world that is my own, a language I can perfectly understand. I feel like It has been this huge hole in my heart that I have been missing this whole time, I truly feel I am discovering a whole new side of me. It is absolutely Gods annointing the language that has stayed with me, and that I can communicate and translate with everyone that I meet. It has been such a blessing, one that truly brings us together when we meet. I feel like I have known all these people for years, yet I had never met them!
We are staying in Pastors house, and the wife has been the base cook for YWAM for the last 8 years. Yesterday we walked home hand in hand and she talked about how she always wanted a daughter, but only had 2 boys. She began to just chat with me, and tell me how excited and blessed she was that I was here and could talk to her! It warmed my heart , and I know God has sent me to be in relationship with her! Her boys are 14, and 16.
Something that I love love love about this YWAM base is that the majority of staff and students are of the Khmer people. WOW, I have never seen so many young Cambodians on fire for God and that have a heart for their country before, it is amazing what God is doing in this Nation and what is happening!
I am so happy to be apart of the big plan that God has for this country.
Short and sweet! Our lunch is at 12:30, and we will be doing ministry in a village later with some children. Please continue praying for us!
We are staying in Pastors house, and the wife has been the base cook for YWAM for the last 8 years. Yesterday we walked home hand in hand and she talked about how she always wanted a daughter, but only had 2 boys. She began to just chat with me, and tell me how excited and blessed she was that I was here and could talk to her! It warmed my heart , and I know God has sent me to be in relationship with her! Her boys are 14, and 16.
Something that I love love love about this YWAM base is that the majority of staff and students are of the Khmer people. WOW, I have never seen so many young Cambodians on fire for God and that have a heart for their country before, it is amazing what God is doing in this Nation and what is happening!
I am so happy to be apart of the big plan that God has for this country.
Short and sweet! Our lunch is at 12:30, and we will be doing ministry in a village later with some children. Please continue praying for us!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
A Heart Returning Home
Matthew 6:21
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Ever since I was a little girl, I had such a hard time understanding why my family was so different. The pressure of being young and accepted in school was hard. Suburban America welcomed me, but not exactly with open arms. We never had as much money, I didn’t have what everyone else have. I worked with what I had, and made the best of it all. After years of learning what it meant to be a first generation child, I began to see the blessing that it was. I guess that is what you do when you are young and your searching for yourself. The thing is I never found it, and that is okay...I found something better, and understanding of Who I was in the family that I was given, a family that I absolutely love more than anything.
I am so thankful to God that the Lords hand was on my family in the terrible time of the Pol Pot regime. The genocide that over took the country of Cambodia was one the world had never seen before, and what makes it so different is that it was their own people, against their own people. It grieves my heart to think of the pain, and agony that we as Westerners will never fully understand and grasp. I am so thankful that my family had made it to America, and alive and well. In this understanding, I have wanted to spend a portion of my life...No matter how big or how small going back to where I came from.
My mom escaped from Cambodia and came to America in 1980. She traveled with her family, and came to a country that was free. She learned English on her own, and began to work in places that had other Cambodian refugees. My mom is absolutely the most amazing and strongest woman I know. Her travel to America and new found life is an absolute testimony to me everyday. It teaches me that in Life, when you are given an opportunity to take it, if it changes your life, let it. That when you are given a chance to make something out of nothing, it is really a miracle. My mom took her life, and made something of it even though she had nothing. I can never complain about the lack of what I have in my life, knowing that halfway around the world I am richer in $100 than anyone else would ever be.
Tomorrow, I embark on a Journey back to where I have always wanted to go, a place where the hurt and heart of the people is very much apart of who I am. I am so beyond blessed that God has gifted me with the language of the Cambodian people, that I will for the first time be able to communicate with the people I am serving. We will be working with children in orphanages, visiting prisons, and safe homes for young girls that have been rescued out of human trafficking. My heart is here, and will always be. There is absolutely nothing that makes me different from any of those little girls. I am one in the same, and the Lord has blessed me with an amazing life, and I am so honored that he would allow the opportunity for me to go back and give back to my own community, my own people.
Please pray for me as I embark on this new journey. It is truly a dream come true and I cannot wait to see what will happen while I am there. I know that there is something so special that awaits me! I will be going with an open heart, open arms, and an open mind to totally love and understand the people of Cambodia.
The best part of this all, I not only get to go on my own in this journey, BUT I get to play the part in leading a team of 16 amazing students from all over the world to Cambodia on some of there first Mission Trips overseas. They have the most beautiful hearts I have seen in young people, and I am so excited to share this experience with them. What an absolute honor to follow my dreams, and to lead others to pursue theirs as well.
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Ever since I was a little girl, I had such a hard time understanding why my family was so different. The pressure of being young and accepted in school was hard. Suburban America welcomed me, but not exactly with open arms. We never had as much money, I didn’t have what everyone else have. I worked with what I had, and made the best of it all. After years of learning what it meant to be a first generation child, I began to see the blessing that it was. I guess that is what you do when you are young and your searching for yourself. The thing is I never found it, and that is okay...I found something better, and understanding of Who I was in the family that I was given, a family that I absolutely love more than anything.
I am so thankful to God that the Lords hand was on my family in the terrible time of the Pol Pot regime. The genocide that over took the country of Cambodia was one the world had never seen before, and what makes it so different is that it was their own people, against their own people. It grieves my heart to think of the pain, and agony that we as Westerners will never fully understand and grasp. I am so thankful that my family had made it to America, and alive and well. In this understanding, I have wanted to spend a portion of my life...No matter how big or how small going back to where I came from.
My mom escaped from Cambodia and came to America in 1980. She traveled with her family, and came to a country that was free. She learned English on her own, and began to work in places that had other Cambodian refugees. My mom is absolutely the most amazing and strongest woman I know. Her travel to America and new found life is an absolute testimony to me everyday. It teaches me that in Life, when you are given an opportunity to take it, if it changes your life, let it. That when you are given a chance to make something out of nothing, it is really a miracle. My mom took her life, and made something of it even though she had nothing. I can never complain about the lack of what I have in my life, knowing that halfway around the world I am richer in $100 than anyone else would ever be. Tomorrow, I embark on a Journey back to where I have always wanted to go, a place where the hurt and heart of the people is very much apart of who I am. I am so beyond blessed that God has gifted me with the language of the Cambodian people, that I will for the first time be able to communicate with the people I am serving. We will be working with children in orphanages, visiting prisons, and safe homes for young girls that have been rescued out of human trafficking. My heart is here, and will always be. There is absolutely nothing that makes me different from any of those little girls. I am one in the same, and the Lord has blessed me with an amazing life, and I am so honored that he would allow the opportunity for me to go back and give back to my own community, my own people.
Please pray for me as I embark on this new journey. It is truly a dream come true and I cannot wait to see what will happen while I am there. I know that there is something so special that awaits me! I will be going with an open heart, open arms, and an open mind to totally love and understand the people of Cambodia.
The best part of this all, I not only get to go on my own in this journey, BUT I get to play the part in leading a team of 16 amazing students from all over the world to Cambodia on some of there first Mission Trips overseas. They have the most beautiful hearts I have seen in young people, and I am so excited to share this experience with them. What an absolute honor to follow my dreams, and to lead others to pursue theirs as well.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
A Journey from Pro-Choice to Pro-Life
A pro choice conviction upon a pro life movement
Abortion. A topic that can bring friends to enemies, religion to division, and just plain anger. My heart is never to anger, oppose one’s opinion in superiority, or even divide. My opinion is just this, simply my opinion. One that comes from conviction and truth from who I know that God is.
I am in total understanding that my conviction, may never be anyone else s at any point in life. See that is what makes us all unique, we are all gifted with a freedom to believe, a freedom of speech. What a gift, as life is such a gift, a gift that I believe 39 years ago today was placed in the hands of man.
When I was growing up, I was way too consumed with myself to ever care about what was going on that didn’t affect me. Until, it began to affect me. At the age of 15 when I began on a downward spiral, I found myself in the place of safety with the idea of abortion. Not only did I believe in it, I depended on it knowing that my choices were my choices, my consequences were my consequences, and that it was MY body. I could do what I want with it, and no one had a right to tell me what I chose to do with it.
I was on birth control for months, took plan B whenever I needed it. The cultural norm had me in a place of desensitization towards the aspect of the value of life. Life to me was this....It is my life, I will let it change when I want it too, and I sure am not bringing a baby into the world when I don’t want it....I was too consumed with sex, less consumed with responsibility. I was enthralled with passion & lust, not realizing that slowly I was conforming to the ways of society that was once convenient, a place of justice for women's right. In all that was in me, I thought I was right.
Being pro-life meant nothing to me except that you were way too conservative. Conservative Christians today are a horrible representation of what the church is meant to be. I did not want to ever been seen as “one of them”. The church is meant to be a place of acceptance and love. Instead, we have become the face of judgement and condemnation. I sincerely grieve what the American church has become, because I know in true relationship with knowing who God really is, it is the opposite of judgement & hypocrisy. We as Christians need to rise up, and really walk in the way that we preach. Not in perfection, but in forgiveness and humility.
So what was the big deal? A women's right to her body is a right to her body. In these past years I have been wrestling with the idea of abortion, with the grey lines, the debates, the scientific explanation. The what ifs? Well, what about rape, incest...All these things that can bring a very thin line in the area of right and wrong. In my own selfishness, why does it even matter? Then God began to speak to me about how it isn’t about what I think...It is about what he thinks.
Psalm 139
13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
I can’t debate the revelation in my heart that life is life, and that abortion is murder. I can’t , and that is not my heart to argue my conviction to others. It is not my job to bring the revelation of truth to anyone, it is Gods. However, I do know that in my heart through my years of being pro-choice, is a deep place of grieving for my selfishness and carelessness of the unborn.
I think of 54 million babies that have not been given the chance to live, and although it is the woman's choice, and there are reasons upon reasons of the choice to give life. I cannot help but think of the genocide that is in my generation right now that we all see as justice, that I once saw as justice, but it is truly not.
So in that, is an open public prayer to God. That everyone can see, that is not me arguing, not me trying to outsmart those that have their own opinion. This is just a piece of my heart that God has been bringing the light to the dark place that once was my own deception that it is my choice to play God in bringing a life into the world.
Lord,
Thank you for giving me your heart for the injustice of 54 billion babies in 39 years that have not been given a right to life. I thank you for the fact that you Lord are so gracious, so merciful, and that to those that have struggled in the area of abortion you offer such freedom and forgiveness, and that there is absolutely no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. Forgive me for the years of believing I had the right to choose whether or not I would allow you to bless me with new life. Lord, be with the women that are abused and raped and taken advantage of, Show them justice and love & bring them to a place of peace. God, I pray you would begin a miraculous work in the hearts of America, that we would not see this as a debatable issue with the one right answer, the one right way to look at it. But instead God you would give back the value of life to the baby, to humanity. That they would see that every good and perfect thing comes from you, and that even if it is a bad thing at first you make it good. I love you, and I know that my view is unconventional, it is not understood, and it is argued, but God I give it back to you, and say this isn’t my opinion to have anyways, its yours.
Thank you lord for allowing my mom to choose life, that I may be a voice to the voiceless.
Abortion. A topic that can bring friends to enemies, religion to division, and just plain anger. My heart is never to anger, oppose one’s opinion in superiority, or even divide. My opinion is just this, simply my opinion. One that comes from conviction and truth from who I know that God is.
I am in total understanding that my conviction, may never be anyone else s at any point in life. See that is what makes us all unique, we are all gifted with a freedom to believe, a freedom of speech. What a gift, as life is such a gift, a gift that I believe 39 years ago today was placed in the hands of man.
When I was growing up, I was way too consumed with myself to ever care about what was going on that didn’t affect me. Until, it began to affect me. At the age of 15 when I began on a downward spiral, I found myself in the place of safety with the idea of abortion. Not only did I believe in it, I depended on it knowing that my choices were my choices, my consequences were my consequences, and that it was MY body. I could do what I want with it, and no one had a right to tell me what I chose to do with it.
I was on birth control for months, took plan B whenever I needed it. The cultural norm had me in a place of desensitization towards the aspect of the value of life. Life to me was this....It is my life, I will let it change when I want it too, and I sure am not bringing a baby into the world when I don’t want it....I was too consumed with sex, less consumed with responsibility. I was enthralled with passion & lust, not realizing that slowly I was conforming to the ways of society that was once convenient, a place of justice for women's right. In all that was in me, I thought I was right.
Being pro-life meant nothing to me except that you were way too conservative. Conservative Christians today are a horrible representation of what the church is meant to be. I did not want to ever been seen as “one of them”. The church is meant to be a place of acceptance and love. Instead, we have become the face of judgement and condemnation. I sincerely grieve what the American church has become, because I know in true relationship with knowing who God really is, it is the opposite of judgement & hypocrisy. We as Christians need to rise up, and really walk in the way that we preach. Not in perfection, but in forgiveness and humility.
So what was the big deal? A women's right to her body is a right to her body. In these past years I have been wrestling with the idea of abortion, with the grey lines, the debates, the scientific explanation. The what ifs? Well, what about rape, incest...All these things that can bring a very thin line in the area of right and wrong. In my own selfishness, why does it even matter? Then God began to speak to me about how it isn’t about what I think...It is about what he thinks.
Psalm 139
13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
 |
| A Picture Worth A Thousand Words |
I think of 54 million babies that have not been given the chance to live, and although it is the woman's choice, and there are reasons upon reasons of the choice to give life. I cannot help but think of the genocide that is in my generation right now that we all see as justice, that I once saw as justice, but it is truly not.
So in that, is an open public prayer to God. That everyone can see, that is not me arguing, not me trying to outsmart those that have their own opinion. This is just a piece of my heart that God has been bringing the light to the dark place that once was my own deception that it is my choice to play God in bringing a life into the world.
Lord,
Thank you for giving me your heart for the injustice of 54 billion babies in 39 years that have not been given a right to life. I thank you for the fact that you Lord are so gracious, so merciful, and that to those that have struggled in the area of abortion you offer such freedom and forgiveness, and that there is absolutely no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. Forgive me for the years of believing I had the right to choose whether or not I would allow you to bless me with new life. Lord, be with the women that are abused and raped and taken advantage of, Show them justice and love & bring them to a place of peace. God, I pray you would begin a miraculous work in the hearts of America, that we would not see this as a debatable issue with the one right answer, the one right way to look at it. But instead God you would give back the value of life to the baby, to humanity. That they would see that every good and perfect thing comes from you, and that even if it is a bad thing at first you make it good. I love you, and I know that my view is unconventional, it is not understood, and it is argued, but God I give it back to you, and say this isn’t my opinion to have anyways, its yours.
Thank you lord for allowing my mom to choose life, that I may be a voice to the voiceless.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
When you find what you are looking for...
We all spend our whole lives searching. I don’t want this to be a post that says I have found the man I am going to marry, so it makes life complete. You see....Life with just MAN was never made complete, because you will always be searching for more.
So what exactly are we looking for?
We are looking to be loved. needed. wanted. admired. adored.
We want to make a difference...we want to be beautiful. something different. remembered.
We strive for. greatness. value. success. happiness. joy.
We are made in the innate imagine of God, and God himself...knows each and every desire of our heart, for he has that same desire for us.
Lets flash back to May of 2009.
Life was good. College was easy, friends were overflowing, money was coming in, and I was what you would consider...definitely on the “right track”. I found myself at the center of everything, and what at the time was my greatest desire, became my biggest downfall. I spent all the time loving myself, pleasing myself, doing what made it me happy, what made me look good. Truth is, I was selfish, and I was in a season of destruction, a season of void, a season of looking for all the right things, but in all the wrong places. I could not stop for directions, because I didn’t even realize I was lost.
I found my value in the eyes of man, which in an honest way....led me only into what I wanted the arms of man. In the midst of this, I stumbled into the arms of someone that will forever be remembered as the person that with Gods help started my life.
In life, you’ll find yourself meeting that person that divides it. Life before this person, and after...and when you find that person. The journey to what your looking for will never, ever be the same.
My journey to johno, begins with tyler. At the time, I did not believe I could fall in love, or that it was necessary. I believed in having fun, and doing whatever I wanted at the moment I wanted too, not really caring who it affected in the process. I was carefree, I was on my own, I was looking for something I didnt even know was missing.
Tylers eyes were blue. His smile contagious. His heart of Gold. In a short amount of time, he became my best friend, my exception to EVERY rule I had put on my own heart. I found him to be everything I always knew I wanted, and I wanted him to be mine.
We spent our summer nights staring at the stars, then each other, then the stars again. We found ourselves on the beach in the middle of the night in sleeping bags, on long drives to no where, backyard BBQS, ambulances, and even a funeral. Tyler in the midst of our love story, reminded me that death is always the spring of new life. He cried with me, laughed with me, cuddled me, fought with me, and completely brought me to a place of peace. He told me, “ You have to go after what your dreams are, You have to fight for them “ I fell in love, and I could no nothing to stop it.
God on the other hand, tried everything to stop it, and I didn’t listen. I lost myself with Tyler, the way a lot of people do when infatuation happens. All caught up in the affirmation, believing that truly identity could be found in another person. what a lie, identity..true identity would never be found in the arms of man, but instead in the heart of a father, a heavenly father.
God spoke to me in September a night I drove way from Tylers in tears, he said it’d be the last time I’d see him. I couldn’t believe God would take away something that I thought was sent to me from him. I confused, hurt, I knew it in my heart. GOD you sent me Tyler, why would you want me to walk away from him? especially into the arms of HER.
Tyler broke my heart, and when he walked away, I couldn’t help but let him leave. my pride was my barrier, my wall, and I shut down. I cleaned up the mess I made for myself, and told myself I would never...ever fall in love again. I told God I just didn’t understand, and my pain didn’t let me do much else. The next couple months I found myself numb, alone, and angry. Memories remained, and my heart stayed the same.
6 am came too early Halloween morning. In a dead sleep I was awakened abruptly by my phone....seeing that it was Tylers sister on the phone. As soon as I saw her name, heard her voice, and heard the voice of God even before she could say anything....
I knew Tyler was dead.
LIFE. you just truly never know what it will bring you. Even writing this right now, all I can think is...MY GOD MY GOD...
you are oh so faithful.
I entered into the most devastating season of my life. A season of sleepless nights, days without eating, tears that I thought would never stop. A heart that was so broken, I didn’t ever think I could be whole again.
But in that season...I found God like I never had before, I found life, I found true love in the arms of my healer, in the arms of my father, in the arms of my Jesus. He turned every mourning moment into dancing, and showed me that in his faithfulness was his protection. A protection I never thought could come from a loving God, while I was too busy being selfish, he was busy being selfless. My god My god. your so faithful.
Tylers death brought a brand new understanding to my life, and it was in that moment that I absolutely knew that I had two choices, I would either choose to walk in the pain, loss, and desperation for love in the path to destruction....Or I could choose to understand that ALL of GODS ways are good, that he knows what he is doing, and that it is only him that can bring healing and comfort through any storm...and I wanted to dance in the rain...I really did.
You never find what your looking for in MAN, you find it in God. It is through God that he brings you into the right arms of a man. A man you know he has knitted together in his mothers womb perfectly created to be the representation of Christ that he has called him to be.
I was so lost in myself, that I was too busy to even think of what he was doing in a man 3,000 miles away that he would have for me a year later. That year, although the hardest year of my life, brought me to such a place of deep intimacy with Jesus I could never ask for more, and when I finally found what I was looking for in the Lord, he introduced me to an amazing man named Johno, who absolutely turned my world upside down...while teaching me to love again. My God, My God you are so faithful.
So what exactly are we looking for?
We are looking to be loved. needed. wanted. admired. adored.
We want to make a difference...we want to be beautiful. something different. remembered.
We strive for. greatness. value. success. happiness. joy.
We are made in the innate imagine of God, and God himself...knows each and every desire of our heart, for he has that same desire for us.
Lets flash back to May of 2009.
Life was good. College was easy, friends were overflowing, money was coming in, and I was what you would consider...definitely on the “right track”. I found myself at the center of everything, and what at the time was my greatest desire, became my biggest downfall. I spent all the time loving myself, pleasing myself, doing what made it me happy, what made me look good. Truth is, I was selfish, and I was in a season of destruction, a season of void, a season of looking for all the right things, but in all the wrong places. I could not stop for directions, because I didn’t even realize I was lost.
I found my value in the eyes of man, which in an honest way....led me only into what I wanted the arms of man. In the midst of this, I stumbled into the arms of someone that will forever be remembered as the person that with Gods help started my life.
In life, you’ll find yourself meeting that person that divides it. Life before this person, and after...and when you find that person. The journey to what your looking for will never, ever be the same.
My journey to johno, begins with tyler. At the time, I did not believe I could fall in love, or that it was necessary. I believed in having fun, and doing whatever I wanted at the moment I wanted too, not really caring who it affected in the process. I was carefree, I was on my own, I was looking for something I didnt even know was missing.
Tylers eyes were blue. His smile contagious. His heart of Gold. In a short amount of time, he became my best friend, my exception to EVERY rule I had put on my own heart. I found him to be everything I always knew I wanted, and I wanted him to be mine.
We spent our summer nights staring at the stars, then each other, then the stars again. We found ourselves on the beach in the middle of the night in sleeping bags, on long drives to no where, backyard BBQS, ambulances, and even a funeral. Tyler in the midst of our love story, reminded me that death is always the spring of new life. He cried with me, laughed with me, cuddled me, fought with me, and completely brought me to a place of peace. He told me, “ You have to go after what your dreams are, You have to fight for them “ I fell in love, and I could no nothing to stop it.
God on the other hand, tried everything to stop it, and I didn’t listen. I lost myself with Tyler, the way a lot of people do when infatuation happens. All caught up in the affirmation, believing that truly identity could be found in another person. what a lie, identity..true identity would never be found in the arms of man, but instead in the heart of a father, a heavenly father.
God spoke to me in September a night I drove way from Tylers in tears, he said it’d be the last time I’d see him. I couldn’t believe God would take away something that I thought was sent to me from him. I confused, hurt, I knew it in my heart. GOD you sent me Tyler, why would you want me to walk away from him? especially into the arms of HER.
Tyler broke my heart, and when he walked away, I couldn’t help but let him leave. my pride was my barrier, my wall, and I shut down. I cleaned up the mess I made for myself, and told myself I would never...ever fall in love again. I told God I just didn’t understand, and my pain didn’t let me do much else. The next couple months I found myself numb, alone, and angry. Memories remained, and my heart stayed the same.
6 am came too early Halloween morning. In a dead sleep I was awakened abruptly by my phone....seeing that it was Tylers sister on the phone. As soon as I saw her name, heard her voice, and heard the voice of God even before she could say anything....
I knew Tyler was dead.
LIFE. you just truly never know what it will bring you. Even writing this right now, all I can think is...MY GOD MY GOD...you are oh so faithful.
I entered into the most devastating season of my life. A season of sleepless nights, days without eating, tears that I thought would never stop. A heart that was so broken, I didn’t ever think I could be whole again.
But in that season...I found God like I never had before, I found life, I found true love in the arms of my healer, in the arms of my father, in the arms of my Jesus. He turned every mourning moment into dancing, and showed me that in his faithfulness was his protection. A protection I never thought could come from a loving God, while I was too busy being selfish, he was busy being selfless. My god My god. your so faithful.
Tylers death brought a brand new understanding to my life, and it was in that moment that I absolutely knew that I had two choices, I would either choose to walk in the pain, loss, and desperation for love in the path to destruction....Or I could choose to understand that ALL of GODS ways are good, that he knows what he is doing, and that it is only him that can bring healing and comfort through any storm...and I wanted to dance in the rain...I really did.
You never find what your looking for in MAN, you find it in God. It is through God that he brings you into the right arms of a man. A man you know he has knitted together in his mothers womb perfectly created to be the representation of Christ that he has called him to be.
I was so lost in myself, that I was too busy to even think of what he was doing in a man 3,000 miles away that he would have for me a year later. That year, although the hardest year of my life, brought me to such a place of deep intimacy with Jesus I could never ask for more, and when I finally found what I was looking for in the Lord, he introduced me to an amazing man named Johno, who absolutely turned my world upside down...while teaching me to love again. My God, My God you are so faithful.
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