I left it all behind. I started over in a new way. I gave it all up because I knew that is what God was calling me too. He was not calling me to a barren life. He was not calling me to not have all the things that I needed, or wanted. Instead, he was calling me to challenge my own heart in that a life lived for him, is a better life... a better life pursuing material things.
I was material. I am material. I care about what I wear. I care about how much money I have. I like to own nice things. I have not been released of the bondage that is....my identity and dependence is in what I own, how much money I have, and what I can buy. My dependence was never on God when I was working, but it was on the myself in the money that I made.
That was my motivation. Material. Of course, all of it was not conscious...Many of it was subconscious. Normal. What everyone was else was doing so it felt like it was the way it was supposed to be.
It is not. But we are so close minded in our society that we shut down to anything that has to do with us giving up our independence. Our "right" to what we own, what we should have, and the fact that since we have the ability to have it...we make it ours.
Ours. None of anything we own is really even ours. Why spend your entire life trying to attain something that will not follow you to the end. In death, you take nothing with you. So why as humans do we spend our life trying to attain what makes us "successful", "happy", and "satisfied". Truth is, you can never have enough money.
I believe this is why being a full-time missionary is such a hard concept to grasp. I believe its why many of my family & friends do not understand what I am doing. It is why it is "admired", but because " I could never do that ".
I don't blame that. I'm at a point in my life, where I am like...How did I do that? How am I doing this?
( English Standard Version )
Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ. Phil. 3: 8
Because I gave up everything, I know Christ in a different way than most people will know him. Sometimes I am bitter about it, but usually only when I am frustrated in the waiting. And the truth is, when you give up your life for Christ, your income, your home state, your family, your friends...You will always be in the waiting.
The key to be in the waiting, is knowing that what your waiting for will come to pass even if it does not happen the way you would like it to.
I have yet to be lacking, but I am always in need. Recently, I have become more in need than ever, and it has made me question my pursuit of my dreams, seeing that I had to give up everything, including a lot of the extras that make for me, life enjoyable. The material things.
It is the road less traveled. Also, the bumpy, narrow, winding, sometimes very annoying road.
In that, God has shown himself faithful, sometimes difficult, mostly amazing, more patient than I.....and yet he is there, never leaving, never ceasing.
I want to trust God with everything, I truly do. But there are many things that are harboring in my heart that are making it hard too. Mostly, my pride. Mostly, the pride in feeling like anything that I get I deserve.
In reality, I deserve nothing, but God gives me everything..Because of his grace, his mercy, and his tender love. Not because I "work" for him, or because I "deserve" it.
I ask God, change my mentality. Help me depend on you more. Help me become more bold. Help me understand when I am trusting in people to give, I am not only trusting in people...I am trusting in you. God, help me. I want to Count it all as loss.
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