When Home Isn't Where the Heart Is..

I left Cambodia a little less than two months ago, but I'm pretty sure my heart got wrapped up and thrown into the sunset over the rice fields or on the dusty streets in which I would ride my bike everyday.

Is the grass greener on the other side? I'll never really know.  The last four years I've spent my time in numerous places with numerous people falling into routine wherever God places me. I've had no choice but to adapt in the streets of Mexico City with prostitutes in daylight from squattie potties trying to communicate to recovering addicts in a Chinese house church in the middle of Shanghai somewhere.

I've wept over the brokenness of injustice in nations all over the world and now find myself in a small country town in Washington a little out of place.

My home isn't here, but is instead where I've spent the last four years pouring my heart out.


And now for rest. Rest is good they say. Time off is necessary for long term sustainment, this I know. But it sure doesn't feel good sometimes.


With the violence in Iraq, disease in Africa, I wake up in the morning and feel so helpless in my one bedroom apartment. There's a yearning in me that wants to be out there, and yet I know that God has called for me in this season to stay right here.


It'll get easier, this I know. This will become home, they say. Just give it time. Days won't be as lonely and there will be new opportunities I know.

But my heart, it's still so far away. It's in that yellow house in Cambodia, it's in the middle of day when I'm complaining about humidity, it's at Jaan bai with my favorite baristas, it's when I see the innocence of ignorance and bliss. It's at cafe Eden with all my friends from all around the world, dwelling on how life brought us together. It's in the quirks, the complaints, and in all the incredible people I feel like I've left behind.

So no, home isn't quite where the heart is yet, but everything in it's time they say, I hope they are right.

mourning, in all it's disguises.

grief, mourning, all come from the loss of a "good" thing. We don't often mourn a negative cancer scan, a first birthday, or a wedding between two friends...most of the time.

we mourn the loss of good things. good things that we love, that once brought us joy, the things that remind us that life indeed in every moment is worth living.


my last real season of mourning was losing Tyler in 2009 when tragic, unexpected, unforgiving death swept over my first year in college. I mourned late night talks on the swings, dreams of future travel, butterfly kisses and that blue-eyed boys' smile that left me never the same again that fateful phone call.


And so I loved, lost, and was determined to love again just so I could, but this time in new ways.
So I ventured off to new things, determined to find what I loved, what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be and regain all that I lost, or all that I realized I never found under the blue California sky.


And now I am mourning differently, still the loss of a good thing. The loss of an idea of the way life goes, the gain of excitement when realizing God brings unexpected treasures into our life for our own benefit, while at the same time taking them away.

I absolutely love this nation, and I've learned of my deep love for people, wherever I go in my life. I am so challenged by today's culture that separates christianity from all other "secular" things. I am learning everyday what it is to " be in the world, but not of the world". Brokenness surrounds me. I cannot sit at a cafe at night without seeing "the least of these". Whether that be in the form of a mother and her child begging, or a 50 year old white man with a 12 year old Cambodian prostitute, likely working under a pimp.

My heart is always mourning. And I am thankful for that, the loss of a good thing comes with the gain of a better thing. I am grieved at the injustice of this nation, just as I am grieved at the apathy in my heart that will arise as I set in foot in America, I know because I am human. I know because my heart grows hard, I know because I am not perfect and there will be times I am selfish as opposed to generous. I know because there will be times when I miss this country, and these people and there will be times I am grateful I can feel safe on the roads again.

So I just let myself mourn. I let myself know that the price of loving people also comes with the payment of letting them go at some point in your life. The more I travel, experience new places and new things, I leave with the souvenirs of being able to grow and love incredible, different types of people. Some which love me back, some which don't know my name, some I saw once, some everyday. The people in which I am grateful that show me the world is so much bigger than what I ever thought. And that the people I love i this life life can give so much more than I could ever take. 

When there is good in the goodbye....

It has been way too long since I have written  here, and I feel like every time I write I start this with the same thing...I need to write more!

The last 8 months have been incredible. One of my lifelong dreams had been fulfilled, coming to live in Cambodia for a season. I came seeking a transformation of  my mind within my worldview, my purpose in life, and knocked on many other doors along the way. Some doors opened, some doors shut, and others sat in the middle with a weird wind reaction that could swing it either way.

I came with open hands, and open mind, and an open heart. A heart that longed for transformation to come to this nation, to the Cambodian people and for God to make himself known, while letting me play a small insignificant role in the vast plan of redemption.

I am saying goodbye to a lot as I close this chapter, and am grieving the loss of many dreams I thought were to unfold here. Funny how that happens, you set yourself out on a journey in life and before you know it...the steering wheel redirects your path as quick as you got on the road.

I guess that is one thing I’ve learned to cope with in the last 3 years of travels, ever since I bought a one way ticket to NY not knowing what was on the other side. The good in every goodbye. Different seasons of life bring different challenges, yet they bring different joys. They bring new beginnings with new friends, while bringing goodbyes that often hurt.

I am not sure where this next season will take me, but I do know that this season didn’t lead me to where I thought I wanted to go. And that is a good thing, even in the midst of goodbye. I thought the moment I stepped foot on this soil, I would never want to leave. I thought that God had a long term plan for me to give life to the women at risk in this community. I thought that I would physically give my life to this nation. It has been an episode of grieving really, grieving a lot of plans that came from my heart and didn’t end up the way I planned it.

But If I never would had those plans, I never would have ended up where I am today. I am 3 weeks away from finishing the most intense, inductive Bible course that exists today in Universities around the world. I’ve given 50-60 hour study weeks building the biblical foundation that makes my faith. It is hard for me to believe as a professing Christian before, I had no idea why I believed what I believed, and why I lived the way that I lived. The academic aspect of the faith through the study of the word these last 8 months of living in Cambodia has transformed my entire worldview, and has given me a rebirth in my life as a Christian.

I don't believe it because I was taught it, I don't do it because it feels right. I don't make serve and love other people because it makes me feel good about myself. I am who I am and know what I believe now because I have taken the time to wrestle through those doubts, wrestle through those emotional experiences, wrestle through my life in the past , and wrestle through the hard questions today.

I by no means have arrived, I by no means know it all. But I know more now than I have ever known before, and cannot believe how long I went without understanding the basics of my belief.

Here are my rambles, here are my findings, here is the good in goodbye. I might not stay in Cambodia forever, but I am taking everything I have learned here, and will apply it the  moment I step on American soil. I know that I must be obedient to what God has asked me to do, in whatever season of life he may have me in.

A Transformed Heart

Johno and I stepped foot after a 27 hour journey into the beautiful country of Cambodia. After exploring Siem Reap for a few days, we maneuvered our way to Battambang, the great little city that will hold our hearts for the next 9 months. In the midst of jet lag, 3rd world adjustments, and a transition coming to a close, It was hard to really grasp what has happened. I followed my dream, and it is in the midst of coming true...so now what?

Enjoying the moment. Fresh fruit smoothies at 3pm. Geckos in my room. Enormous amounts of bug spray. Brain working in two languages. Mosquito net in the way of cuddles. New faces, new friends. God speaking, God speaking, God moving, I am changing. Worship in my room alone. Cambodian's teaching the bible. A nation transformed for Christ. My heart is refreshed. My life is now.

For the next 9 months, I have committed myself to an inductive bible study course, that I assume very much will alter the way I see my life, the world, and of God. I have taken responsibility in acknowledge  I cannot lead people to God, answer the hard questions, and truly be the example I need to be if I do not have a grasp of the Bible. There are too many Christians that are religious, too many that say one thing and act by another, too many that do not know who they serve, why they believe what they believe. Experience will only take you as far as your emotions will, it is truth that will sustain you when life 's curve balls come. 

Often times in our western mind set, even in "missions" , we've been taught, What can I bring here that will better the country, these people? Now, don't mistake me, in a country with Christianity at less than 2% of the entire population, the gospel is desperately needed. However, for the last two weeks, I have learned more from this country than I have taught myself. The Cambodian Christians, they are people of such devotion, passion, leadership, and genuine love. They have taken the responsibility for there own Nation, fellow Cambodians discipling each other and bringing transformation from a life encountered with Christ everyday. 

 I have been confronted with Christianity of America more and more every day. We are in desperate need of a true transformation of our own hearts. I am in desperate need of this transformation.The main reason I am here isn't to try to change every person I come into contact with for the gospel, although not wrong. My heart here is that I need to be transformed through Gods word, I need to truly in and out know the God I serve, why I am doing it, what I believe, and how I am going to apply that to my life in the future.

10% of Christians world wide have read the entire bible. Let alone that, who understands that thing anyways? For a long time, I haven't. But I am excited to fully know and understand the bible in a way that will transform my heart, my life, and my future calling wherever God leads me.

It is an injustice to say I love and serve God the way I do, and not spend a portion of my life intentionally pursuing knowing him more through the blessing of his word that he has given us. 9 months, what will come of it? 

I am committed to this country, to the people of Cambodia. I am so blessed to take a portion of my life and give it back to God, worshipping him by learning, and truly getting in touch with my roots, my country that has been on my heart for so long. Will I stay forever? Who knows, God does...But it isn't  my responsibility right now.  I just know at this point God has called me here to be trained, equipped, and sent out into the Nations, whether it be my very own right, I don't know. All I know is that I cannot teach, what I do not know.

I encourage you, if you profess and say this is the God you believe, the God you are serving, the God you are loving and worshipping. What do you truly know about him besides what you have experienced with him? It is important, yes that you experience him. But we owe it to those who have never experienced him, to be able to tell them about him, and have what we tell them be true. 

Making Life Happen

Tomorrow, I embark on a 9 month journey I never thought would come, I'm leaving for my beloved country of Cambodia. A country and people that are so dear to my heart, and this dream I've put on the shelf  for some time is coming to life.

Not more than exactly 3 years ago, September 16th or so I, 20 years old on a one way ticket decided to adventure to New York for my DTS, something I had no idea about. No one I had known really had ever done YWAM, I knew not more than a single soul in New York, and I left. To this day, it was one of the best choices I've ever made.

My years in New York were extremely challenging, filled with growing, learning, changing, grieving, and celebrating. I changed more than I ever thought I could,  had my ever last boyfriend and first and only husband, and really began to learn what it means to lay your life down for Christ and what he calls us to do.

3 years later, I embark on a similar journey. Again into the unknown, the unfamiliar although somewhat. This time not alone, but with my best friend. Yet, I still feel God whispering the same things in my ear. " do you trust me?", "Are you ready?", " what are you willing to give up, and how far are you willing to go? "

And because in these last 3 years every decision with him was ultimately the best one, again with our plane tickets... with no idea what I'm getting into, I'm going. 

I'm constantly challenged by the fact that no matter what seasons we are in life, there always changing. People in your life are always coming and going, and in a sense.. It never really ends. This has been my favorite thing about my traveling extravaganzas, I've been able to share my heart with the most beautiful, gracious, loving individuals around the world that be friend me, and it's in those friendships I've found home.

I'm often approached, do you ever wish you were doing something else? No, not really. That's the thing, I'm doing what I've always wanted to do. Some may call it irresponsible, illogical in this economy, or whatever they may think. But I'm blessed to serve a God that delights in my dreams and desires and then gives me the grace to follow them, to make them happen.

Life happens, that's just the way it is. Whether you make it happen or not, it still happens. Might as well make happen what you want to happen, and take joy in knowing The Lord is right there by your side. 

The Ongoing Gospel

In light of yesterday as I processed what it really mean this Fall that my dreams were coming true in our endeavor to Cambodia, I began to think of the heart link that has drawn me to this beautiful country for so long, that heart link being my family.

I am a first generation niece, cousin, daughter, grand daughter here in our own Nation, my family escaped hell on earth in the tragedy that was the Khmer Rouge in the 1970's where nearly half of Cambodia's population was slaughtered, unfortunately by there own people. I am often questioned with such a rare situation, why exactly I would go back. And I can't help but think, Why wouldn't I go back? God had a plan bringing my family here, and I believe I owe it to those that are there to go back. In a predominately buddhist country I want to give back the greatest gift I have been given, the gift of the Gospel.

I tend to try to stay away from preachy blogs, although I live my life serving Jesus, I often become a bit shy about preachy things because Christianity in America has been so misconstrued. I am a believer in people reading the way I live my life, not just my facebook posts or blogs. But I cannot water down, sugar coat, or run around the soul reason and purpose why I do the things I do, and why I am who I am. Because God saved a wretched sinner like me. A sinner who was more consumed with herself, material things, living life selfishly and worthlessly, getting by to make something of myself when I didn't even realize I was made for something greater, my maker.

Right now, our family is going through an extremely trying time. My uncle has been diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer after a tumor had been found only a week ago. It's in times like these that the most cliche preachy things are always said....

"God knows what he is doing", "There is a reason for it all", "God will heal him".

I believe those things, to a certain extent. But sometimes, God does not reveal reasons in our time, or why he does things. And yes my friends, Christian or not...God does not always heal us. That is the reality that is our fallen world, and that is the God we serve. He CAN heal all things, but there are times when he doesn't, and when those times come....I am sad, yet joyful because the Gospel is ongoing. The Gospel that saves us all promises that we have eternal life with Christ, and that our hope and our faith is in him.

I can't help but think of Hebrews 12:2

"Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for  the joy that was set before him
endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

I think in the midst our shame, pain, turmoil and tragedy. Jesus suffered more than I can even fathom, not for that moment but for the joy that was set before him. The Gospel, that Jesus came, and died so that we may live tells me that despite any circumstance that I may face, that my Joy is set before me in the life to come after my earthly purpose is fulfilled. This also tells me that in the midst of my deepest, darkest moments, that He had a deeper and darker moment. That the living God I serve not only knows how I am feeling and cares, but that he himself has endured even worse, for me.

For me. For you. For my uncle. For Cambodia. For America. For the World.

In the midst of my fear, pain, and worry today for my family. I am reminded of the gracious providence in my life that God enabled me to choose him, that he would call me his own and call me to him. That yes I have the hope of healing, yes I have the hope of redemption and grace. But ultimately, my hope is in Him Jesus, who because of what he did for me, I live for him. Despite what life circumstances may bring us, it is in death that the joy is set before us, the day that we are reunited with Christ.

I ask that you pray for my families healing YES. But I ask more that we would know the fullness of Christ in trying times. That we would not overlook our Sunday services, our morning devotions, and we would not act like an answering machine of life just say the right things at the right time. Pray that in the midst of  the good times and bad times, that we are desiring Gods perfect plan and will for our lives no matter how they make us feel. Emotions are fleeting, and Gods truth is forever. Pray for us, and for yourselves that we would never lose sight of the ongoing Gospel in our lives. That despite it all, because he came to save us, we are saved.


1 Timothy 1:12-16

12 I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service,13 though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, 14 and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. 16 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life.

When God Says Go

It has been an incredibly long time since I've felt the urge to write, and like many things in life when i comes...I just need to go for it. The title of this blog is what I feel so heavy in my life right now, when so many people don't understand why we do what we do, but how we respond when God says Go.

God has told us to go, and we are answering. Although unconventional, it has been my dream to go to Cambodia for as long as I can remember. In college, I was gripped with the reality of sex -trafficking and modern day slavery in young girls, it was my dream to live in a tree, feed all the orphans, and leave this American dream behind.

Now that the time is finally here, it looks a bit different than I previously imagined. I never imagined going to Cambodia married, but it fits nice....and I never imagined going to learn about the bible...IN CAMBODIA. But Gods ways are mysterious, and his ways so much better than my ways. I will more than likely still do what I dreamed to do way back when, it will just look a little bit different than before.


I have been constantly ridiculed by the ideas of all that I'll leave behind, all the comforts of the first world. The things as Americans we take for granted. Ridiculed often by the ideas of finishing school, the job I had always dreamed of, not the white picket fence but definitely the sky rise apartment.

If I have learned anything in the last 3 years of adventuring with my life and serving Jesus, it has been that he has never let me down, always provided for me, and his ideas are so much better than my ideas. I am challenged in this Christian life to not only say that I am Christian and do all the Christian things that I am "supposed" to do, but to do the things that so many of us don't want to do. Leave whats uncomfortable to pursue whats we HOPE to be is worth it, looking back at the last 3 years, it has been worth it.

I am challenged though, anxious at times, worried about worldly things Money, what people will think of me, how much I will miss my family. And the words keep ringing in my ear, When God says Go.

I write this today to vent a bit, process, but to also ask you..What is God asking you to do, Where is he asking you to go? It will more than likely look a lot different than where he is taking me, but are you willing to go? Despite the sacrifices, the trading of worldly things for heavenly things?