When Home Isn't Where the Heart Is..

I left Cambodia a little less than two months ago, but I'm pretty sure my heart got wrapped up and thrown into the sunset over the rice fields or on the dusty streets in which I would ride my bike everyday.

Is the grass greener on the other side? I'll never really know.  The last four years I've spent my time in numerous places with numerous people falling into routine wherever God places me. I've had no choice but to adapt in the streets of Mexico City with prostitutes in daylight from squattie potties trying to communicate to recovering addicts in a Chinese house church in the middle of Shanghai somewhere.

I've wept over the brokenness of injustice in nations all over the world and now find myself in a small country town in Washington a little out of place.

My home isn't here, but is instead where I've spent the last four years pouring my heart out.


And now for rest. Rest is good they say. Time off is necessary for long term sustainment, this I know. But it sure doesn't feel good sometimes.


With the violence in Iraq, disease in Africa, I wake up in the morning and feel so helpless in my one bedroom apartment. There's a yearning in me that wants to be out there, and yet I know that God has called for me in this season to stay right here.


It'll get easier, this I know. This will become home, they say. Just give it time. Days won't be as lonely and there will be new opportunities I know.

But my heart, it's still so far away. It's in that yellow house in Cambodia, it's in the middle of day when I'm complaining about humidity, it's at Jaan bai with my favorite baristas, it's when I see the innocence of ignorance and bliss. It's at cafe Eden with all my friends from all around the world, dwelling on how life brought us together. It's in the quirks, the complaints, and in all the incredible people I feel like I've left behind.

So no, home isn't quite where the heart is yet, but everything in it's time they say, I hope they are right.

mourning, in all it's disguises.

grief, mourning, all come from the loss of a "good" thing. We don't often mourn a negative cancer scan, a first birthday, or a wedding between two friends...most of the time.

we mourn the loss of good things. good things that we love, that once brought us joy, the things that remind us that life indeed in every moment is worth living.


my last real season of mourning was losing Tyler in 2009 when tragic, unexpected, unforgiving death swept over my first year in college. I mourned late night talks on the swings, dreams of future travel, butterfly kisses and that blue-eyed boys' smile that left me never the same again that fateful phone call.


And so I loved, lost, and was determined to love again just so I could, but this time in new ways.
So I ventured off to new things, determined to find what I loved, what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be and regain all that I lost, or all that I realized I never found under the blue California sky.


And now I am mourning differently, still the loss of a good thing. The loss of an idea of the way life goes, the gain of excitement when realizing God brings unexpected treasures into our life for our own benefit, while at the same time taking them away.

I absolutely love this nation, and I've learned of my deep love for people, wherever I go in my life. I am so challenged by today's culture that separates christianity from all other "secular" things. I am learning everyday what it is to " be in the world, but not of the world". Brokenness surrounds me. I cannot sit at a cafe at night without seeing "the least of these". Whether that be in the form of a mother and her child begging, or a 50 year old white man with a 12 year old Cambodian prostitute, likely working under a pimp.

My heart is always mourning. And I am thankful for that, the loss of a good thing comes with the gain of a better thing. I am grieved at the injustice of this nation, just as I am grieved at the apathy in my heart that will arise as I set in foot in America, I know because I am human. I know because my heart grows hard, I know because I am not perfect and there will be times I am selfish as opposed to generous. I know because there will be times when I miss this country, and these people and there will be times I am grateful I can feel safe on the roads again.

So I just let myself mourn. I let myself know that the price of loving people also comes with the payment of letting them go at some point in your life. The more I travel, experience new places and new things, I leave with the souvenirs of being able to grow and love incredible, different types of people. Some which love me back, some which don't know my name, some I saw once, some everyday. The people in which I am grateful that show me the world is so much bigger than what I ever thought. And that the people I love i this life life can give so much more than I could ever take. 

When there is good in the goodbye....

It has been way too long since I have written  here, and I feel like every time I write I start this with the same thing...I need to write more!

The last 8 months have been incredible. One of my lifelong dreams had been fulfilled, coming to live in Cambodia for a season. I came seeking a transformation of  my mind within my worldview, my purpose in life, and knocked on many other doors along the way. Some doors opened, some doors shut, and others sat in the middle with a weird wind reaction that could swing it either way.

I came with open hands, and open mind, and an open heart. A heart that longed for transformation to come to this nation, to the Cambodian people and for God to make himself known, while letting me play a small insignificant role in the vast plan of redemption.

I am saying goodbye to a lot as I close this chapter, and am grieving the loss of many dreams I thought were to unfold here. Funny how that happens, you set yourself out on a journey in life and before you know it...the steering wheel redirects your path as quick as you got on the road.

I guess that is one thing I’ve learned to cope with in the last 3 years of travels, ever since I bought a one way ticket to NY not knowing what was on the other side. The good in every goodbye. Different seasons of life bring different challenges, yet they bring different joys. They bring new beginnings with new friends, while bringing goodbyes that often hurt.

I am not sure where this next season will take me, but I do know that this season didn’t lead me to where I thought I wanted to go. And that is a good thing, even in the midst of goodbye. I thought the moment I stepped foot on this soil, I would never want to leave. I thought that God had a long term plan for me to give life to the women at risk in this community. I thought that I would physically give my life to this nation. It has been an episode of grieving really, grieving a lot of plans that came from my heart and didn’t end up the way I planned it.

But If I never would had those plans, I never would have ended up where I am today. I am 3 weeks away from finishing the most intense, inductive Bible course that exists today in Universities around the world. I’ve given 50-60 hour study weeks building the biblical foundation that makes my faith. It is hard for me to believe as a professing Christian before, I had no idea why I believed what I believed, and why I lived the way that I lived. The academic aspect of the faith through the study of the word these last 8 months of living in Cambodia has transformed my entire worldview, and has given me a rebirth in my life as a Christian.

I don't believe it because I was taught it, I don't do it because it feels right. I don't make serve and love other people because it makes me feel good about myself. I am who I am and know what I believe now because I have taken the time to wrestle through those doubts, wrestle through those emotional experiences, wrestle through my life in the past , and wrestle through the hard questions today.

I by no means have arrived, I by no means know it all. But I know more now than I have ever known before, and cannot believe how long I went without understanding the basics of my belief.

Here are my rambles, here are my findings, here is the good in goodbye. I might not stay in Cambodia forever, but I am taking everything I have learned here, and will apply it the  moment I step on American soil. I know that I must be obedient to what God has asked me to do, in whatever season of life he may have me in.

A Transformed Heart

Johno and I stepped foot after a 27 hour journey into the beautiful country of Cambodia. After exploring Siem Reap for a few days, we maneuvered our way to Battambang, the great little city that will hold our hearts for the next 9 months. In the midst of jet lag, 3rd world adjustments, and a transition coming to a close, It was hard to really grasp what has happened. I followed my dream, and it is in the midst of coming true...so now what?

Enjoying the moment. Fresh fruit smoothies at 3pm. Geckos in my room. Enormous amounts of bug spray. Brain working in two languages. Mosquito net in the way of cuddles. New faces, new friends. God speaking, God speaking, God moving, I am changing. Worship in my room alone. Cambodian's teaching the bible. A nation transformed for Christ. My heart is refreshed. My life is now.

For the next 9 months, I have committed myself to an inductive bible study course, that I assume very much will alter the way I see my life, the world, and of God. I have taken responsibility in acknowledge  I cannot lead people to God, answer the hard questions, and truly be the example I need to be if I do not have a grasp of the Bible. There are too many Christians that are religious, too many that say one thing and act by another, too many that do not know who they serve, why they believe what they believe. Experience will only take you as far as your emotions will, it is truth that will sustain you when life 's curve balls come. 

Often times in our western mind set, even in "missions" , we've been taught, What can I bring here that will better the country, these people? Now, don't mistake me, in a country with Christianity at less than 2% of the entire population, the gospel is desperately needed. However, for the last two weeks, I have learned more from this country than I have taught myself. The Cambodian Christians, they are people of such devotion, passion, leadership, and genuine love. They have taken the responsibility for there own Nation, fellow Cambodians discipling each other and bringing transformation from a life encountered with Christ everyday. 

 I have been confronted with Christianity of America more and more every day. We are in desperate need of a true transformation of our own hearts. I am in desperate need of this transformation.The main reason I am here isn't to try to change every person I come into contact with for the gospel, although not wrong. My heart here is that I need to be transformed through Gods word, I need to truly in and out know the God I serve, why I am doing it, what I believe, and how I am going to apply that to my life in the future.

10% of Christians world wide have read the entire bible. Let alone that, who understands that thing anyways? For a long time, I haven't. But I am excited to fully know and understand the bible in a way that will transform my heart, my life, and my future calling wherever God leads me.

It is an injustice to say I love and serve God the way I do, and not spend a portion of my life intentionally pursuing knowing him more through the blessing of his word that he has given us. 9 months, what will come of it? 

I am committed to this country, to the people of Cambodia. I am so blessed to take a portion of my life and give it back to God, worshipping him by learning, and truly getting in touch with my roots, my country that has been on my heart for so long. Will I stay forever? Who knows, God does...But it isn't  my responsibility right now.  I just know at this point God has called me here to be trained, equipped, and sent out into the Nations, whether it be my very own right, I don't know. All I know is that I cannot teach, what I do not know.

I encourage you, if you profess and say this is the God you believe, the God you are serving, the God you are loving and worshipping. What do you truly know about him besides what you have experienced with him? It is important, yes that you experience him. But we owe it to those who have never experienced him, to be able to tell them about him, and have what we tell them be true. 

Making Life Happen

Tomorrow, I embark on a 9 month journey I never thought would come, I'm leaving for my beloved country of Cambodia. A country and people that are so dear to my heart, and this dream I've put on the shelf  for some time is coming to life.

Not more than exactly 3 years ago, September 16th or so I, 20 years old on a one way ticket decided to adventure to New York for my DTS, something I had no idea about. No one I had known really had ever done YWAM, I knew not more than a single soul in New York, and I left. To this day, it was one of the best choices I've ever made.

My years in New York were extremely challenging, filled with growing, learning, changing, grieving, and celebrating. I changed more than I ever thought I could,  had my ever last boyfriend and first and only husband, and really began to learn what it means to lay your life down for Christ and what he calls us to do.

3 years later, I embark on a similar journey. Again into the unknown, the unfamiliar although somewhat. This time not alone, but with my best friend. Yet, I still feel God whispering the same things in my ear. " do you trust me?", "Are you ready?", " what are you willing to give up, and how far are you willing to go? "

And because in these last 3 years every decision with him was ultimately the best one, again with our plane tickets... with no idea what I'm getting into, I'm going. 

I'm constantly challenged by the fact that no matter what seasons we are in life, there always changing. People in your life are always coming and going, and in a sense.. It never really ends. This has been my favorite thing about my traveling extravaganzas, I've been able to share my heart with the most beautiful, gracious, loving individuals around the world that be friend me, and it's in those friendships I've found home.

I'm often approached, do you ever wish you were doing something else? No, not really. That's the thing, I'm doing what I've always wanted to do. Some may call it irresponsible, illogical in this economy, or whatever they may think. But I'm blessed to serve a God that delights in my dreams and desires and then gives me the grace to follow them, to make them happen.

Life happens, that's just the way it is. Whether you make it happen or not, it still happens. Might as well make happen what you want to happen, and take joy in knowing The Lord is right there by your side. 

The Ongoing Gospel

In light of yesterday as I processed what it really mean this Fall that my dreams were coming true in our endeavor to Cambodia, I began to think of the heart link that has drawn me to this beautiful country for so long, that heart link being my family.

I am a first generation niece, cousin, daughter, grand daughter here in our own Nation, my family escaped hell on earth in the tragedy that was the Khmer Rouge in the 1970's where nearly half of Cambodia's population was slaughtered, unfortunately by there own people. I am often questioned with such a rare situation, why exactly I would go back. And I can't help but think, Why wouldn't I go back? God had a plan bringing my family here, and I believe I owe it to those that are there to go back. In a predominately buddhist country I want to give back the greatest gift I have been given, the gift of the Gospel.

I tend to try to stay away from preachy blogs, although I live my life serving Jesus, I often become a bit shy about preachy things because Christianity in America has been so misconstrued. I am a believer in people reading the way I live my life, not just my facebook posts or blogs. But I cannot water down, sugar coat, or run around the soul reason and purpose why I do the things I do, and why I am who I am. Because God saved a wretched sinner like me. A sinner who was more consumed with herself, material things, living life selfishly and worthlessly, getting by to make something of myself when I didn't even realize I was made for something greater, my maker.

Right now, our family is going through an extremely trying time. My uncle has been diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer after a tumor had been found only a week ago. It's in times like these that the most cliche preachy things are always said....

"God knows what he is doing", "There is a reason for it all", "God will heal him".

I believe those things, to a certain extent. But sometimes, God does not reveal reasons in our time, or why he does things. And yes my friends, Christian or not...God does not always heal us. That is the reality that is our fallen world, and that is the God we serve. He CAN heal all things, but there are times when he doesn't, and when those times come....I am sad, yet joyful because the Gospel is ongoing. The Gospel that saves us all promises that we have eternal life with Christ, and that our hope and our faith is in him.

I can't help but think of Hebrews 12:2

"Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for  the joy that was set before him
endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

I think in the midst our shame, pain, turmoil and tragedy. Jesus suffered more than I can even fathom, not for that moment but for the joy that was set before him. The Gospel, that Jesus came, and died so that we may live tells me that despite any circumstance that I may face, that my Joy is set before me in the life to come after my earthly purpose is fulfilled. This also tells me that in the midst of my deepest, darkest moments, that He had a deeper and darker moment. That the living God I serve not only knows how I am feeling and cares, but that he himself has endured even worse, for me.

For me. For you. For my uncle. For Cambodia. For America. For the World.

In the midst of my fear, pain, and worry today for my family. I am reminded of the gracious providence in my life that God enabled me to choose him, that he would call me his own and call me to him. That yes I have the hope of healing, yes I have the hope of redemption and grace. But ultimately, my hope is in Him Jesus, who because of what he did for me, I live for him. Despite what life circumstances may bring us, it is in death that the joy is set before us, the day that we are reunited with Christ.

I ask that you pray for my families healing YES. But I ask more that we would know the fullness of Christ in trying times. That we would not overlook our Sunday services, our morning devotions, and we would not act like an answering machine of life just say the right things at the right time. Pray that in the midst of  the good times and bad times, that we are desiring Gods perfect plan and will for our lives no matter how they make us feel. Emotions are fleeting, and Gods truth is forever. Pray for us, and for yourselves that we would never lose sight of the ongoing Gospel in our lives. That despite it all, because he came to save us, we are saved.


1 Timothy 1:12-16

12 I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service,13 though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, 14 and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. 16 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life.

When God Says Go

It has been an incredibly long time since I've felt the urge to write, and like many things in life when i comes...I just need to go for it. The title of this blog is what I feel so heavy in my life right now, when so many people don't understand why we do what we do, but how we respond when God says Go.

God has told us to go, and we are answering. Although unconventional, it has been my dream to go to Cambodia for as long as I can remember. In college, I was gripped with the reality of sex -trafficking and modern day slavery in young girls, it was my dream to live in a tree, feed all the orphans, and leave this American dream behind.

Now that the time is finally here, it looks a bit different than I previously imagined. I never imagined going to Cambodia married, but it fits nice....and I never imagined going to learn about the bible...IN CAMBODIA. But Gods ways are mysterious, and his ways so much better than my ways. I will more than likely still do what I dreamed to do way back when, it will just look a little bit different than before.


I have been constantly ridiculed by the ideas of all that I'll leave behind, all the comforts of the first world. The things as Americans we take for granted. Ridiculed often by the ideas of finishing school, the job I had always dreamed of, not the white picket fence but definitely the sky rise apartment.

If I have learned anything in the last 3 years of adventuring with my life and serving Jesus, it has been that he has never let me down, always provided for me, and his ideas are so much better than my ideas. I am challenged in this Christian life to not only say that I am Christian and do all the Christian things that I am "supposed" to do, but to do the things that so many of us don't want to do. Leave whats uncomfortable to pursue whats we HOPE to be is worth it, looking back at the last 3 years, it has been worth it.

I am challenged though, anxious at times, worried about worldly things Money, what people will think of me, how much I will miss my family. And the words keep ringing in my ear, When God says Go.

I write this today to vent a bit, process, but to also ask you..What is God asking you to do, Where is he asking you to go? It will more than likely look a lot different than where he is taking me, but are you willing to go? Despite the sacrifices, the trading of worldly things for heavenly things?

Stability Versus Sacrifice

It's been two and a half years since I put myself on a plane with a one way ticket to New York. I had no idea what would be been born with a sense of adventure and a willingness to go, but I quickly found out. Adventure is for everyone really, but mainly those that are willing. I am often asked the question, How do you get to go so many places? How do you get to do so many things? I often ask myself the same thing, but I've come to the conclusion that I've just traded one for another. While one might have security in financial means and material things, I've found it in experiences that lead me around the world, often into the arms of some of the most amazing people I've met in this lifetime. I am challenged often with the life I gave up, for the life I live now. Often comparing the two, and what if's are no stranger to my mind.

It's rather bittersweet, the ending to my New York chapter. The chapter that has begun to tell a story of some of the most monumental moments in my life. Where I truly began to know the living God I serve, where I left the past behind and finally found myself deep down somewhere afraid to come out. New York led me to my best friend, who then became my husband, who thankfully will join me in each endeavor to come. With one door so quickly closing. I find myself beginning to peak through all of the newly opening doors, windows, even curtains. Pondering, how did I get here, Where am I going, and Where exactly will I end up?

Who knows. I don't know a lot of things, but I've learned a hell of a lot and could definitely afford to learn some more. The most important thing I've learned in the last year is how to trust God and what it really means to give him control of your life. Not only giving him control, but trusting that wherever he takes you is a better place you could go yourself. That means different things for each and every one of us. Whether it be to go back to job you don't want, find yourself back in school, or on a jet plane not knowing whats on the other side. You see life leaps are disguised in many different costumes, and we all need to learn to play dress up once in a while.

But it scares us, because we find ourselves unstable. Most of life is spent trying to make ourselves stable when we really think about it. Success is actually measured on how stable we seem to be. Stability that's found in the workplaces, instability in the lack there of. Not to mention the degree that hangs in the wall to show how qualified you are to be there, how many zeros are in your account, or even more so you have by your side. Stability is our greatest idol, biggest set back, and adventures greatest enemy.

Risk has been no stranger to me in the last 2 years. It has been my best friend and worst enemy, depending on what circumstance I am in. However The bigger leaps we take in life, leave more room for God to catch us when we fall, or better yet how far we get when he lets us go. And really, who cares about me. It all comes down to what God is doing in my life through the risks I am taking to live for him.

The next upcoming months and year will consists of my greatest risks to date. Johno and I will continue our no salary living trusting that in our obedience to Gods endeavors on our lives that he will provide, he has shown himself so faithful thus far. Not even with the needs, but the wants as well. We will leave New York with a bittersweet farewell, say hello to the beautiful West Coast but only for a season before we embark on a dream of mine from the get go, moving to Cambodia. Our commitment there is to do a School of Biblical Studies for 9 months. It has not been an easy decision to make, the hardest yet actually. But I am trusting in the greatest reward for the biggest sacrifice.

I'm insane really, I hate hot weather, mosquitoes are my worst nightmare, there's not a Starbucks anywhere near, and let's not even mention the length and cost of flights that separate me from who I love and treasure most.. My family and friends.

But I can't ignore the fact that ever since I gave god the stability in my life, and traded it for this adventure with him he's never failed me, and not only has he never failed me... But he's met every need. Not just the physically important ones like money, food, and shelter.But that feeling deep in your soul that you know you're doing what you exactly what you were created to do. That hazy moment when all the world stops around you, you take a deep breath...and the feeling of peace is overwhelming. You were created for that moment.

I really have no idea where God will take us from this point, and I've never been so confronted with living one day at a time. It's exhilarating almost, minus the days where I could cry I'm so anxious. But it's in these moments that I take a step back and really look at the big picture. I have no idea what god is doing in the grand scheme of things. And how amazing that I get to be apart of it, not because I'm anything special, but simply because I'm willing.

I've changed a lot since then, and in each chapter I'll change even more, but what I can't change is the willingness to move forward, even when it's uncomfortable, even when it's hard. Life doesn't stop for anyone, and what an injustice to miss out on experiences in the selfishness of my own stability, my own security. I hope in my own weakness I never lose sight of taking the risks gods ask me to take, and when I do I pray he reminds me. This jumble of information is a self reminder, I pray for you reading it as well. What is God asking you to trade in your stability for his destiny for your life? Don't get in his way.

This Appointment With Life

Speaking of having an appointment with life, I've needed an appointment with this blog for way to long.  It is pretty embarrassing how long it has been...Since the last time I wrote, I have been married, to two different countries, almost finished the lecture phase of DTS...not to mention came to know an incredible 18 students, and fallen in love with all of them as I get ready to embark on my next journey to C. Another trip around the world that will hopefully bring not only myself closer to God, but others around me as well.

I could flashback, talk a lot of gorgeous details about how incredible it is to be married...because it is. Or randomly ramble about all the things I have learned, because there has been a lot. Even word vomit some really trendy facts that might challenge you to do something greater with your own life about whats happening around us. All of which I really enjoy to do. But today, I am in the mood to think bigger picture, to take a sit down. To shut off facebook, stop organizing my calendar, put gmail on hold for longer than 10 minutes. I wanted to really sit, dust my keyboard off, and reflect on this appointment with life I have, what I have done with it, and what I need to change.


In the midst of chaos, confusion, tears, joyus laughter, dancing, and mourning. I feel like it is so easy to sink back, and want to press that pause button on life. The pause button being in need for many different reasons. Life going too fast, regretting something that we wish we could have done differently, or even a moment of reflection as God slows us down and reminds us to embrace the beauty that is our lives, and the appointment we have with it...Not to mention the importance of not missing it.

Its easier to stay in bed. It is more convenience to stare at your instagram than to have a conversation.  Its easier to lock yourself in your office and get work done. Its easier to pass relationship on to the next person. A lot of things in life are easier, but they are also boring, selfish, and most definitely not as rewarding, life giving, and precious. I have found that the moments I love the most, are when I am spending time loving other people. A genuine, pure, love that comes not from what can this person give to me, but what can I do for them. A love that overflows out of our love relationship with sweet Jesus. Not the religion that has been defiled, stigmatized, and honestly really annoying. But the Religion that is pure, intimate, and real.

I have been guilty of this though. Sometimes, there is so much changing that not only do I want to press the pause button, but sometimes even the rewind. Is it more terrifying that we are moving at 100mph in life, sometimes not knowing where exactly God is going to take us. Yes, it is. Life as a missionary most of the time is very uncomfortable in numerous ways. How comical is it that society has told us that being Christian means you "have it all together", "don't do anything wrong", and "have no fun". OK, had to throw the have no fun thing in there because its the most ridiculous. How often do I hear, "Berta, how do you get to travel to all the places you do?...Where do you get the money for that". That is a good question. I have no idea why God would choose a girl like me, to do amazing things for him. I go where he tells me to go, and where he sends me! He provides for me, and today in America that concept is very foreign. That's okay, this appointment with life I have is pretty foreign as well. Sometimes I even wonder how crazy I am for doing what I am doing, but its just too much fun to stop, not to mention.. God is just too good.

The life I have chosen to live is not any different than the life you have chosen to live, because it has been your choice. I lately have questioned a lot of choices I have made, wondering if they have been the right thing, and if so....why have they been so hard? lets blast that rumour now, life doesn't get easier as a Christian, it gets worth it but by no means easier. My life has been hard, and not for obvious reasons as people in 3rd world nations can tell me. Like men who I have met in Thailand working to send there kids to school in Cambodia, only to not see them for 5 years because that's how long it will take to send them to school. 300 USD for the next two years of his daughter to school would send him back home to be with his family, but instead...he works 16 hour days to ensure his daughters education. I am almost humiliated to write that my life is hard.


My life is easy in comparison. So I don't get to buy all nice things, all the time... So I see friends that have a lot more to show than I do right now, in regards to a white picket fence American dream. But you know, I was never satisfied with that anyways. Hate that about myself, I feel like I am never satisfied really no matter where I am. Thats another really trendy thing I have been learning...I feel like no matter where I am in life , I am always going to wonder if I were somewhere else. I don't know if the grass is always greener on the other side, I just know I will always be curious.

My eyes need to be readjusted, my focus should not be on myself, and my life, but instead on God and what he is done with my life. My focus should not be on how much money I need for something, but instead how I need God for everything . My focus shouldn't be on what people aren't doing for me, but instead on what I can be doing for them. It has been a journey of reflection in my own heart in understanding my appointment in life, isn't even mine. No matter what kind of mess I make with it.

So in the seasons of change, of chaos, frustration, confusion, sadness, appreciation, joy, and all in between...I am reminded of Gods infinite plan on my life that I may never really understand. It isn't my job to understand what he is doing all the time, how things look. How finite is my mind that I could ever understand the grand scheme of things.

Living a rich life fully embracing where you are when you are there, is the showing up for the appointment that is yours, and yours alone. So no matter how many times I want to cancel where I am, reschedule where I should have been, and even go again sometimes. I am humbled by Gods incredible perfect plan for my life, and grateful for those gems he has brought along the way to share it with me. 

once upon a sweet time

It has been an incredibly long time since I have posted on here, makes me sad because I value sharing my heart with others. Wedding madness must have taken over, but now I am back and ready to be in the full swing of what is now "normalcy" of my new life. I cannot begin to describe the different emotions that have engulfed me these last few months, nor can I describe the incredible gratitude and joy it is to have the man of my life by my side, I know now everyday for the rest of my life. 

I don't want this to be a sappy saga, nor do I want or need to explain extravagant details of a love story that is my own. Not to look a certain way to others, not even for myself really. My greatest desire is for my love story to be a sweet representation of the God I serve, the ultimate lover, friend, groom and everything in between. my maker. 

I have been so incredibly blessed these last few months, seeing so many friends and family come along side me in full support. How humbling when you have everyone in your entire life that has been there, for one day with prayers, finances, time and everything else come and watch such a monumental moment in my life. I am constantly reminded, even weeks after. What a gift it is to have family and friends in your life that love and support you. Especially those from all around the country, all around the world. 


And even more so, I am humbled and completely taken back by the man I gave myself away to that day. John. I want nothing more than for every single person I love, to get to experience the ultimate joy and fullness it is to know Christ, and to know real, unconditional, never-ending love. I must have been asked the question a million times. " Are you sure? " How do you know"..."Is it true ? "They say you just know".... Do  you know?

I cannot explain it more than to say YES. You really just do know. 2 weeks after I met Johno, I knew he would be the man that I would marry. Clearly shocking since for all my life before, I never really did want to get married. I never knew real love, I never believe it could really exist. I thought that everyone else was good enough for a love story that lasted, but not I. I had been down that road before, and I wanted to leave it as less traveled as possible. In my life there was just too much tragedy, too many times where I was wrong, and not enough men that could prove otherwise. I had given up. 

Our God never gives up on us, what a simple statement yet with vast meaning I do not feel we take serious enough in this life. Because there was so much competition in the midst of my past mistakes and heartbreaks, a wall was too high for anyone to really climb. I had given the Love thing a try or two, but change took its chances and death stole my dreams, and I was left with nothing..............and EVERYTHING.

 A Savior who was in constant pursuit of his bride.

I am his bride,  before I was ever Johnos bride, I will always be the bride to my Lord and Savior before anything else. I could never truly except the real love, nor trust it from another person until I fully became able to accept the full love of Christ. I truly believe it was not until I could accept the full love of Christ, that God let Johno come into my life to teach me and show me the physical representation of the way it should between  a bride and a groom.

In the way Christ loved the church, husbands love there wives.
  (Ephesians 5:22-23, quoted)


Because I am married , I have not yet arrived. I have not yet done everything I have wanted to do in life, nor have I found all that I was looking for as most would imagine. It is only in the sincere deep revelation of Christs love and relationship with me, that I fully will "succeed" in life. But I am always learning. I am always loving. I am sometimes leaving, and God is always coming after me.



What a gift to marry the man of God I truly believe from before the beginning of time, was ultimately created for me. What a gift it is to serve a God who is ravished by me, so much that he would create, mend, mold, and send me a man that loves me in the way God intends him too. A man that is by no means perfect, but surely forgiven. And a man that is on this journey with me. 

And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy.I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD. Hosea 2:19-20

Wedding Wonders

I was never the little girl who danced in a circle dreaming of her wedding. I wanted my prince, but I didn't quite understand what would happen when I actually met him. After Johno proposed, I couldn't even imagine what it would be to plan a wedding, I had never thought that far...and now the flowers, colors, cake, and everything single thing in between I swear I could get lost in. Even that, I continually think to myself, I live a life of trusting God for everything, never did I think it would mean an actual wedding...


I know it'll be worth it all, I know that this decision although it will change my entire life, will be the best choice I could ever make. See I am not only in love with my future husband, but I am more in love with my maker. 


It has not been an easy season of trusting God. Not only am I trusting him for the day to day things, rent, food, and all that comes with serving in ministry. But I am now trusting him for everything that comes from giving my life away, from marrying my future husband. The flowers, the venue, everything becomes an opportunity for God to show me how he himself is a faithful father that takes care of his children.

It all started last August, way before Johno and I were even engaged. I had gone home to meet his family for the first time in the country side, and I could have sworn my nerves would eat me alive. I ended up really enjoying myself, and getting to know that wonderful family and lifestyle that gave me the man of God I love. While we were there, the craziest thing happened.

In a long story short, I was gifted with a beautiful custom made never worn wedding dress from London, and it fit me absolutely perfectly! I remember thinking, God you have a lot in store, and a lot to live up too come this wedding. It all began with a gift from my precious father. I remember thinking, "well God I guess he is the one"...and ever since then with this wedding he has been working things out in my favor, and I am overwhelmed and consumed by  his grace and faithfulness to me in this delicate season of trusting.


It is not easy to not worry, in fact I have been in the midst of struggle. Struggle to really believe that this God I serve could work out the little things, that he does care about my utmost most inner desires, and that money isn't an option. I often envied the thought of simply being able to buy whatever I wanted, or pay whoever I wanted. God continually reminds me, it is not what I get in the end but the journey that brings me there.

This last Saturday he reminded me once again, a faithful father takes care of his children. I had been struggling with wonder of where my funds would come from, especially the things that were of high importance to me, especially the photography. After talking to my mom, paying a photographer was going to take a huge chunk out of our budget but I truly felt from God who I wanted to photograph my wedding, and that the money would come even if I didn't have it. Another lesson in, sometimes its not always what decision you make, but that I just need to make one. So I made the choice, and I felt Gods peace on it and was so happy that it was someone who's family was so special to me, especially after all there love and support in my journey in missions.

A phone call Saturday left me shocked, and even more in awe of Gods unfailing love and his ability to provide even what we would think impossible, simply because he loves us. My photography was fully paid for in full! I was so filled with this gratefulness that has reminded me so much in these last couple of years that problems with money and need are so surface when in comparison to how our God takes care of us.

Slowly but surely, I am seeing things come together for this wedding and me & Johnos life together. Of course, there are still things that we need, an apartment, a honeymoon, and all in between when it comes to the wedding. But surely, God is not only helping me along this journey by providing things, but he is showing me along the way who he really is, and how he has blessed me with people that love me enough to want to support me. I have  never been so humbled by Gods love, and the love that he imparts to those so generous and willing to help.

Psalm 89:1
1 I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations.

A Quick April Update!

Hi family and friends,

I wanted to take the time to write a short update on all that is happening in my life. I have been so blessed by everyone that is always encouraging and so interested in what is happening.

DTS OVER :
As many of you know, the Discipleship Training School is now over. All of our 29 students that I have spent the last 6 months leading and training are now back home. It was an incredible experience, and definitely was a growing one. My favorite time would have had to be when I helped lead them on outreach in Cambodia & Thailand. There is something about a cross cultural experience with the Lord that can really change your heart and perspective of the world.



Summer Plans :
Right now, I have a full schedule ahead of me regarding ministry and of course, my personal life. This year, I have been asked to lead our Summer Teams Outreach Program entirely. It is a very big job, and I know that God is challenging me in my areas of leadership. Last year, I assisted in leadership as 9 short-term teams came and served with us in New York City. We are praying for a smooth time this Summer as it is a very busy time for us here at YWAM Metro New York.

 Fundraising and Wedding Trip To Washington State
At  the end of April, My dear Johns brother will be getting married and we will be taking a trip to Washington. While we are there, we will attend the wedding but our main focus for the time will be fundraising for all of our upcoming events. We are trusting God as we raise money for a down payment deposit for an apartment, a car, our wedding, and our honeymoon. We have seen miracles so far, and we know God is going to continue to be faithful. Please pray for us on this trip as it is very important that we raise money for these special things, and also our monthly support as our income need is going to triple.

Wedding :
The most exciting of it all! Johno and I will be getting married in Livermore, California on August 11th. The Wedding plans are in full motion, and it has been very overwhelming....but exciting at the same time. We are believing God for a beautiful Ceremony and Reception. We will have people attending from all over the world, and of course all my family and friends from back home. It is going to be a very sweet season for us. Please be praying for us as we trust God not only for the little things but the big things as well! Our wedding and honeymoon registry will be up soon for those that want to help us start this journey in our life together as a newly married couple. 

Trusting in What You Know To Be The Truth

I want to be a woman of great faith. I want to be a woman that knows and understand what it means to fully be surrendered to the Lord in all aspects of my life. I know that today, in our American Society it is not easy to walk in a way of complete dependence on the Lord for his sovereign will on my life, or any one of us. As I come upon over a year of being in "missions", I reflect. I respond. I remember. I am like, what does that even mean? I have found a peace in the knowledge of Gods character that I would have never found if I have not come to the place of giving up everything. "trust in the lord", "give everything to God", "let it all go". Christian sayings that  have so much behind them, but are overused in not many understanding the actual meaning of giving up everything and trusting in the Lord. I only can say that today, because I truly feel I have embarked on a journey in trusting the Lord in which many won't understand, but I pray will reflect the faithfulness of the God I serve. The God that I have given my entire life for, and have devoted my heart in fighting for justice and compassion not because I am any  better than anyone else, no but because my God is better than anything else. I am living a life I sometimes don't understand myself, but then their are other days where I am filled with so much joy and hope that I can only wish that everyone could fully experience the freedom of being completely dependent on God. Freedom? I know for many, a place of sincere dependency on the Lord without our own strengths, talents, jobs, intelligence...It can all sound a little, well unconventional. It is, it is very unconventional.

Moving from a beautiful California, leaving all my friends & family behind, in pursuit of Gods call on my life, yes unconventional. But it has been the most incredible ride in understanding more of Who God is in my life and what it means to be fully dependent on him. I have a lot to look forward too, I will be marrying my best friend in less than 5 months. I am trusting God for the finances for every bit of it, we haven't been saving, we knew stepping into it, God is going to have to provide everything. So far, he has. I am trusting God for my new home with my husband, I do not know where we will live, or how we will triple our income in the next few months on top of a wedding, but I know God will stand faithful, he always has. Then, we will go on our honeymoon, a vacation and celebration of our love that we both need and deserve, do we have the money for it? No, we don't. But I know my father in heaven desires to give his children good gifts, and I am trusting him for it. I feel like, from the outside, I look like I am an irresponsible, lovesick, Jesus crazy individual. In reality, I am just ready for this next season of my life in bringing my relationship with the Lord to a deeper level. He has provided since day 1 of my choice to move to New York, from when I applied to YWAM, got in, and everything from Mexico to Cambodia to Thailand. With first class plane tickets, island debriefs, and all that wonderful gifts that God gives as we step out in a life of being with him, and letting him into our most vulnerable areas of trust. I am not saying that it is easy, I struggle at times, wondering if I will have everything I need, I tend to get frustrated as God doesn't always do things in "my" time. But I have never been without a home, without good food, and even more than that I always have more than enough.

My journey isn't going to be easy, it is actually going to be really hard. I will make hard decisions, I will do things in a way that not everyone understands. I will challenge peoples beliefs, what they, what I have been grounded in of the way to do things since I was very young. But this life of mine, as soon as I fully gave it to Christ has been the best experience of all. I am in full security of Gods unfailing love for me, and his unfailing love for people in this world. I am not a missionary because I want to see people "saved", I want to come against the wave of religion and politics. I love people, and I believe I love people the way that I do because I have a glimpse of how God loves me. I have a heart for the broken people, the people enslaved, not because I am a good person but because I have been given the gift of compassion by God. I am not a woman of courage and boldness because that is just me, but no, because God created me to be a certain way, and I want to walk out in those qualities in the way he has called me to.

I am not writing so that all may see how great of a life I am living, although it is great. I challenge you, as you watch my life change so drastically, can you ask yourself...What is happening? What is God doing? God is doing his perfect work not only in my life, but in the peoples lives around me because I am blessed to call them apart of my life. I want to give God the glory. I am redeemed from a life I once had, I am free from that empty void that filled my life for so long. I am honored to serve God fully. No matter if I have the money, if I have the apartment, even if I have the wedding. Hey, I have the riches of his glory, a home in heaven, and a Lord who is my groom before my earthly husband will ever be. I want that not only for my life, but for yours as well. I invite you into this season of trusting God for great things in my life, I know it won't be easy, but it'll be worth it. As it always is.

 Psalm 31:14-15
“But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD; I say, “You are my God.”
My times are in Your hand;”

Cambodia How You Have Changed My Heart

We officially landed back in the United States yesterday around 10 am, Jet lag has a whole new meaning to me now...But it isn't just jet lag that I have experienced. I have come home from Asia with an entirely new perspective on the world, and how I live my life daily here in America where I am so blessed.

Leaving the Western World and going to Asia was probably one of the most impacting choices I have yet to make in my life, going to Cambodia & seeing where my family had come from gave me an entirely new understanding to my family and what they have been through. Not only that, but the Cambodian people welcomed our team with open arms and hearts and showed me that even people that have nothing, can give more love than people here where abundance flows. Abundance might not flow materially for those in Cambodia, but a love from the heart is something that does not lack. It amazes me that a Nation with such a devastating history, a history that we all want to shut our ears to because it is easier to be uninformed than educated of the evil....With such a history yet they are one of the most loving cultures I have yet to experience, and it was my own. I am so grateful that I got to go back to where I came from, and really take that experience back to where I am today here in America.

Our team spent our days having  serving the YWAM Base community in Battambang, We had many Prayer Times, taught English in remote villages, worked with Jeevits house, an orphanage dedicated to working with children and families that have been stricken with AIDS. It was an honor to be apart of what God is doing in the Nation of Cambodia. I see the Lords hand in redeeming a Nation back to his heart & I cannot wait for the day that I go back to Cambodia and see even more what God is doing. I was so blessed by the Cambodian YWAM staff dedicated to restoring a Nation back to Christ. Out of the 60 staff at the base, 45 of them are Cambodian. What a picture of a YWAM base coming into a community in pursuit of transforming a broken Nation, and restoring it back to fullness. 

It has taught me so much of how to be really be thankful for all that God has blessed me with. The people of Cambodia are living below the Poverty line of $ .45 cents a day. I had never been more convicted of my materialism and dis content with living. I have struggled in my transition of becoming a missionary with the financial circumstance with not being able to spend money the way that I used too, and after being in Cambodia I have learned and been shown such dark areas in my heart of being un appreciative of what I do have in always thinking that I want/need more.


 The truth is that I do not need more. Society and American culture has shaped my ways of thinking, and I have had a really deep realization of how temporal and meaningless the need for material security and excess. I am thankful for my brothers & sisters in Cambodia. They have shown me that how even though they do not have much, they have a love and joy in there heart from God that I do not even posses in the midst of my lack of perspective.  Although finances are a still a struggle living and working in ministry, I will forever be grateful that since I have food on the table, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, I am more fortunate than most of the world.

Not only am I more fortunate, but I am able to give and serve in the areas of need that I would not normally go to, or want to. Because of the gifts that I have been given, it is in the outflow of my joy and graditude that I would want to live a life that would be able to give to others. Because God has blessed me, I want to bless others. This is how I should want to live my life, this is how I should regardless of what I don't have, I must think of those that have less than I, but are still living out the Gospel...So why aren't I living out the Gospel?

I met so many amazing young kids, kids that just wanted to learn so that they would have a better chance in life, a chance that almost every American has, but some of these kids might never have. It was a privilege to be apart of this dream for every child. Before I left, I spoke on how amazing of a plan that God has for every single of there lives, and I know it true from the bottom of my heart. I am so thankful that not only I was able to impact theie lives, but  for them to be able to be impacted by them. I think I've been changed by them, more than they have been changed by me.  The issue of poverty is no longer a statistic to me, but the face of a little girl. It is by Gods grace that I can give, not just financially..but a gift of love.

A taste of Gods heart in Thailand

Thailand has taught me many things in the week that I have been here. Things that I never thought I would learn, see, do, or feel. I can safely say that this expereince is not something that you can learn sitting in a classroom, bible study, or a church service. It has been a journey to dark places that Gods light is meant to be shown, a place where we do not find ourselves today radically pursuing Gods people in the darkest places.

I have been asking God, if this is who you were with when you were here on earth, why have I not been spending most of my days with the prostitutes, the poor, the broken. Sunday morning church isn't going to shine in these places, it is the people that get sent from them.

Our team of 13 amazing young ladies have radically abandoned the typical day in the life, to pursue Gods heart on the hundreds of girls that are being exploited daily. I am so proud of each and every one of them as they have embraced the difficulty that is opening our eyes to the evil that is in this world, and searching how God can be in the midst of all of this and what he is doing in it.

Friday night we had our main outreach in one of the main Red Light Districts of Thailand, Soi 4. I always tell my students, this is the stuff that sounds cool in the newsletters, the stuff we want to put on our blog...But we do not add that after 3 hours of working in these areas we are all sent home in tears, distraught and tenderized as God begins to reveal his heart for the Women that are being sold every for the night for less than 20 US dollars.


Not evena mile radius, there are over 300 bars where women are being trafficked, exploited, and sold every night. I met a girl beautiful as can be, who was no older than 15 explaining that it was her first night. After talking with her for no more than 5 minutes, her mama san ( older bar lady mananger ) snatched her right away from me as I was distracting her from her customers.

Please pray for us as we will continue to work in this area for the next week. Pray Gods protection over us, and that we would be able to at least impact the girls that we meet even if for a short time, we are determined to show them love and safety if just for a few moments in these bars and restaurants.

A place where the church is not, we want to be.

A Step Into Destiny

I have made it a goal for me as much as I can to share my experiences as time allows. Right now, I am at a local internet cafe 10 minutes away from where we are staying in Battambang. After spending 3 days in the city of Phnom Penh, our team of 12 took a van 6 hours away to one of Cambodias little big cities Battambang. It is much smaller than the city, and has many villages in and around the area. As soon as we began to drive, and I saw the rice fields, and all the huts & businesses on the side of the road with mangoes and coconuts...It became reality. I am in Asia, and more than that, I am home. To me it is like discovering a whole new world that is my own, a language I can perfectly understand. I feel like It has been this huge hole in my heart that I have been missing this whole time, I truly feel I am discovering a whole new side of me. It is absolutely Gods annointing the language that has stayed with me, and that I can communicate and translate with everyone that I meet. It has been such a blessing, one that truly brings us together when we meet. I feel like I have known all these people for years, yet I had never met them!

 We are staying in  Pastors house, and the wife has been the base cook for YWAM for the last 8 years. Yesterday we walked home hand in hand and she talked about how she always wanted a daughter, but only had 2 boys. She began to just chat with me, and tell me how excited and blessed she was that I was here and could talk to her! It warmed my heart , and I know God has sent me to be in relationship with her! Her boys are 14, and 16.

Something that I love love love about this YWAM base is that the majority of staff and students are of the Khmer people. WOW, I have never seen so many young Cambodians on fire for God and that have a heart for their country before, it is amazing what God is doing in this Nation and what is happening!
I am so happy to be apart of the big plan that God has for this country.

Short and sweet! Our lunch is at 12:30, and we will be doing ministry in a village later with some children. Please continue praying for us!

A Heart Returning Home

Matthew 6:21

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 

Ever since I was a little girl, I had such a hard time understanding why my family was so different. The pressure of being young and accepted in school was hard. Suburban America welcomed me, but not exactly with open arms. We never had as much money, I didn’t have what everyone else have. I worked with what I had, and made the best of it all. After years of learning what it meant to be a first generation child, I began to see the blessing that it was. I guess that is what you do when you are young and your searching for yourself. The thing is I never found it, and that is okay...I found something better, and understanding of Who I was in the family that I was given, a family that I absolutely love more than anything.

I am so thankful to God that the Lords hand was on my family in the terrible time of the Pol Pot regime. The genocide that over took the country of Cambodia was one the world had never seen before, and what makes it so different is that it was their own people, against their own people. It grieves my heart to think of the pain, and agony that we as Westerners will never fully understand and grasp. I am so thankful that my family had made it to America, and alive and well. In this understanding, I have wanted to spend a portion of my life...No matter how big or how small going back to where I came from.

My mom escaped from Cambodia and came to America in 1980. She traveled with her family, and came to a country that was free. She learned English on her own, and began to work in places that had other Cambodian refugees. My mom is absolutely the most amazing and strongest woman I know. Her travel to America and new found life is an absolute testimony to me everyday. It teaches me that in Life, when you are given an opportunity to take it, if it changes your life, let it. That when you are given a chance to make something out of nothing, it is really a miracle. My mom took her life, and made something of it even though she had nothing. I can never complain about the lack of what I have in my life, knowing that halfway around the world I am richer in $100 than anyone else would ever be.

Tomorrow, I embark on a Journey back to where I have always wanted to go, a place where the hurt and heart of the people is very much apart of who I am. I am so beyond blessed that God has gifted me with the language of the Cambodian people, that I will for the first time be able to communicate with the people I am serving. We will be working with children in orphanages, visiting prisons, and safe homes for young girls that have been rescued out of human trafficking. My heart is here, and will always be. There is absolutely nothing that makes me different from any of those little girls. I am one in the same, and the Lord has blessed me with an amazing life, and I am so honored that he would allow the opportunity for me to go back and give back to my own community, my own people.

Please pray for me as I embark on this new journey. It is truly a dream come true and I cannot wait to see what will happen while I am there. I know that there is something so special that awaits me! I will be going with an open heart, open arms, and an open mind to totally love and understand the people of Cambodia.

The best part of this all, I not only get to go on my own in this journey, BUT I get to play the part in leading a team of 16 amazing students from all over the world to Cambodia on some of there first Mission Trips overseas. They have the most beautiful hearts I have seen in young people, and I am so excited to share this experience with them. What an absolute honor to follow my dreams, and to lead others to pursue theirs as well.