It has been way too long since I have written here, and I feel like every time I write I start this with the same thing...I need to write more!
The last 8 months have been incredible. One of my lifelong dreams had been fulfilled, coming to live in Cambodia for a season. I came seeking a transformation of my mind within my worldview, my purpose in life, and knocked on many other doors along the way. Some doors opened, some doors shut, and others sat in the middle with a weird wind reaction that could swing it either way.
I came with open hands, and open mind, and an open heart. A heart that longed for transformation to come to this nation, to the Cambodian people and for God to make himself known, while letting me play a small insignificant role in the vast plan of redemption.
I am saying goodbye to a lot as I close this chapter, and am grieving the loss of many dreams I thought were to unfold here. Funny how that happens, you set yourself out on a journey in life and before you know it...the steering wheel redirects your path as quick as you got on the road.
I guess that is one thing I’ve learned to cope with in the last 3 years of travels, ever since I bought a one way ticket to NY not knowing what was on the other side. The good in every goodbye. Different seasons of life bring different challenges, yet they bring different joys. They bring new beginnings with new friends, while bringing goodbyes that often hurt.
I am not sure where this next season will take me, but I do know that this season didn’t lead me to where I thought I wanted to go. And that is a good thing, even in the midst of goodbye. I thought the moment I stepped foot on this soil, I would never want to leave. I thought that God had a long term plan for me to give life to the women at risk in this community. I thought that I would physically give my life to this nation. It has been an episode of grieving really, grieving a lot of plans that came from my heart and didn’t end up the way I planned it.
But If I never would had those plans, I never would have ended up where I am today. I am 3 weeks away from finishing the most intense, inductive Bible course that exists today in Universities around the world. I’ve given 50-60 hour study weeks building the biblical foundation that makes my faith. It is hard for me to believe as a professing Christian before, I had no idea why I believed what I believed, and why I lived the way that I lived. The academic aspect of the faith through the study of the word these last 8 months of living in Cambodia has transformed my entire worldview, and has given me a rebirth in my life as a Christian.
I don't believe it because I was taught it, I don't do it because it feels right. I don't make serve and love other people because it makes me feel good about myself. I am who I am and know what I believe now because I have taken the time to wrestle through those doubts, wrestle through those emotional experiences, wrestle through my life in the past , and wrestle through the hard questions today.
I by no means have arrived, I by no means know it all. But I know more now than I have ever known before, and cannot believe how long I went without understanding the basics of my belief.
Here are my rambles, here are my findings, here is the good in goodbye. I might not stay in Cambodia forever, but I am taking everything I have learned here, and will apply it the moment I step on American soil. I know that I must be obedient to what God has asked me to do, in whatever season of life he may have me in.
